ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

tension so thick

march 10

tears were oddly my best friend now, though i hated crying. it had been so frequent i wondered how i still had enough tears left to be breaking down.

i was getting ready for dinner with billies parent's, maggie and patrick. i wasn't entirely nervous before but now i certainly was, the clump of hair in my hands having everything to do with that.

it came from right smack in the middle of my head. i knew it was bound to happen yet i didn't expect it to be this early.
the only thing i could do was put my hair in a bun to cover it— so that's what i did.

after doing so i put on the stockings and dress billie suggested. it was a beautiful dress, yet i had no desire to wear it.
i knew that it would not look as beautiful on me as my legs had gotten skinnier and the bruises had made a bigger appearance.

it pained me to think such things of myself but truthfully, it was even the physical appearance that made me ache it was the uncomfortable sensation my right leg had been enduring.

it hurt to even walk, let alone in the heels i was about to put on my feet. everything was too much. i did not like this feeling, but i knew that that was the cost of my silence and my inability to be presumptuous.

billie

it hurt me to hear dawn crying, especially so violently. though my natural instinct is to comfort i let her be in the bathroom because i knew that she was crying about the same thing she couldn't tell me about.

i had no idea what it could be and all i wanted was to help dawn but she simply would not let me. i thought maybe she had self-esteem issues or perhaps a "disorder" of the sort but that didn't seem like dawn.

when she walks out of the bathroom she's surprised to see me, "oh— hi, when did you get here" she asks.

i shake my head "not too long ago."

she's silent but doesn't ask the question i know she's thinking about.
"you look beautiful" i disregard the tension in the air yet i still feel it lurking, waiting for a moment to attach itself yet again.

"really," dawn asked me as if i didn't think she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

"of course" i stand as i kiss her lips, "so beautiful baby."

dawn smiles yet her eyes and nose are still red, so it doesn't make me feel any better. it hurts to know dawn is going through something alone— that i can't help.

i hook her necklace on for dawn as she places silver earrings in her ear. god, dawn was so gorgeous all i wanted was for her to think the same.
-
i grab hold of dawns hand as we arrive at the restaurant, my parents were only in town for a little while and i wanted them to get the chance to meet the girl that was running circles around my head.

"you okay," i asked dawn who was distinctly quiet since we left. i worried about dawn. i hurt for her, only because i knew that whatever was bothering her was taking a toll on her.

"i'm okay— just nervous" she giggled. i smile "don't be they're gonna love you."

she nods as i reach my arm out to open the door for her. i spot my parents immediately, in the far right corner in the red leather booth.