ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

sailor

not proof read
six chapters left???

june 30

i listened to the rain tap against my window repeatedly, the thunder rumbling and shaking my house. currently, i was laying on my stomach coloring, trying to stop thinking of all the things wrong with me and my life but it wasn't truly working.
i did this alone in my bed as my pet kitten nuzzled up against me. i was only alone because i wanted billie to go home for the past couple of days; wanted her to just take a breather and enjoy anything but me.

i should be grateful that someone cares for me as much as billie but i want billie to be happy and go out with friends or take herself on a date, or even as simple as having dinner with herself. solitude shouldn't be ignored now that you have a partner.

as for me, i've been doing the opposite of what i asked billie to do. i've been mopping and crying and sleeping and crying even more.
not that that's what i want to do with my free time it's just that everything just kept hitting me as if i was nothing, kept forcing me to think of things i didn't want to think about.

as i sigh my phone rings as i watch billies caller id pop up on my screen. i haven't spoken to her in at least five days, i did miss her voice.
i answer, continuing to color as her face is now the only thing i see. she's at her piano, i can tell by the setup as she smiles and run her hands through her hair.

"hi baby," billie says, "how are you?"

"i'm okay, how are you" i responded, letting myself drop the colored pencil to sit up. i pull jinx into my lap as i now lean against my headboard.

"i'm good," billie smiles "i miss you."

i only giggle.

billie returns the laugh "let me see you," she drags out. i lean over to turn on my lamp and set up my camera.
billie smiles as she tosses her head back for only a second, "what" i asked her, a small smile creeping its way onto my lips.

"you're so pretty" billie smiles, i shake my head, and say thank you. for a second i felt happiness finally enter my body for the first time in the last five days, but the thoughts in my head still take over my smile.

it faded and i begin to fumble with my fingers. i don't want to be a mood killer, or "debby downer" or some other shit because i don't mean to think the things i do and ruin moments that provide bliss.

"dawn," billie says, "you okay?"

i nod as billie begins to mess around with her piano once again. i listen to the sound of it and the sound of her soft voice and think of how i'd want everyone to hear her voice.
her voice was so beautiful, it sounded like heaven. i think of how i'd want billie to sing and my funeral, to speak and tell everyone about the way she loved me.

billie" i say in such a tone that even i don't recognize myself. "yes," billie says "is everything alright?"
billie stops playing the piano, putting her full attention on me. i watch her smile fade in the corner of my eye, yet i still do not look up from my fighting fingers.

i can't help but think i tend to ruin every last moment between billie and i.

"i need you to write me a eulogy" i whisper weakly.

billie stares at me, her mouth hanging open slightly. her face turns a slight red, and god does my stomach flip in the worst way.

"dawn" was all that left billies mouth.

i didn't want to be rude to billie. i didn't even want to raise my voice but— we couldn't keep denying it. i do not have much time left.
and i feel as if i wait and wait to ask her then i won't get a chance to hear it or hear her answer.

"why can't you—" billie begins to say but i cut her off.

"billie please don't argue with me. i need you to do this one thing, and if you can't then it's fine but do not sit in denial" i say.

billies face is a bright red when i look up at my phone screen, "can you? please billie" i asked her.
she only nods, "okay, im sorry for snapping at you angel but— i can't run from truth, i can't do that to myself."

"i know" billie chokes on her own breaths, she runs a hand in her hair and down her face.
"breathe okay? i'll see you later" i say to her as i hang up the phone.

when i watch the screen go black, my own tears begin to spill. thinking of billie crying right now is not a pleasant thought. thinking of her breaking down while figuring out something to write is not a pleasant thought.
yet i couldn't keep telling myself i'm going to live with billie for years on end, i can't pretend anymore.

it's inevitable; death.
and it's not easy to pretend when you feel it coursing throughout your body day and night.
-
it's 5am when billie shows up at my apartment and drives us along to the wet road.
we don't say a word as she helps me out the car and along the sand. i watch as billie lays out a blanket as the sand remains damp from the earlier rain.

we sit down and i lean my head on her shoulder. billie interlocks our fingers, "i wrote it" was the first words she says to me.
i nod, "can i hear?"

billie nods, taking out her phone before opening her notes app.
i look at her eyes, red and swollen as she begins to read.

"dawn loved the ocean," she says "she'd always say how much she desired to be with it, —- to be it."

she pauses as i watch her swallow dryly. i take hold of her free hand, squeezing tightly as to tell her to take her time.
billie breathes in slowly before continuing "but dawn had overlooked the fact that she already was that. she was already deep and vast, with depths that very few people would know about. and when she gave you the chance to peer under her serene, radiant surface, you'd discovered the beautiful chaos she was underneath."

"filled with mystery and beauty, dawn was everything the ocean wanted to be. — every layer of dawn was beautiful, every ripple and every huge wave i cherished with my entire being."

billie choked, as if she was already there at my funeral, talking at the podium with eyes full of water as it blurred her vision.

"i cherished dawns everything, i tried my best to protect dawns everything. she was so beautiful, so damn beautiful it warmed my soul."

i giggle at billie, i don't think you're allowed to curse on eulogies but i'll allow it.

"and with that being said— i am a sailor.
i will forever and always be a sailor, sailing across the corals and reefs of dawn's sea, despite of whether she is here or not.
and even if her powerful storms of agonizing memories are to sink my ship, id love every moment of it because my only desire is to be wrapped in dawn's depths, forever beneath her surface."

i watch two tears pool down billies face as she turns her phone off.
"did you like it," she asks me, i nod, sitting up to wipe the tears off of her face.

i kiss billies lips repeatedly before moving the hair out of her face.
"you okay," i asked her. billie shakes her head no as i ask what's the matter.

"just don't want you to go, that's all" billie sighs.

"i'm still here aren't i" i asked, she nods.
"then don't cry baby," i say, "i'm right here."

1349 words