ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

simple yet powerful

july 4

somehow i ended up in these white bleach-smelling walls. the ticking of the clock and the beeping of the machines next to me is all i've heard for the past two days.
after my appointment, they suddenly decided i should stay, that they need me here for some fucking reason.

a part of me understood, maybe they didn't want me to die in my home, wanted me to die here to bear the trauma of someone finding me.

currently, i sat in a chair in front of a window, it was the fourth of july and i loved fireworks more than anything.
they remind me of my childhood and the way me and my cousins would run after lighting one. the way we'd chase each other with our sparklers and eat burnt hotdogs fresh off the grill.

i don't talk to most of them anymore, we grew apart. some are married actually, and some are doctors and dancers, and physicians.
they all seemed to do something big, to do something that everyone can look at and say "im proud of their success."

i wish someone would say that to me, to say they were proud of me for even trying to go to work (which only lasted me two weeks before having to work from home yet again.)

i want to say that i'm proud of myself but the only thing i seem to be proud of myself for was not fucking dying yesterday and the days after that.
i don't want to be a pity party, or some girl that made everything about herself but when was it going to be my turn?

i hear my door open and close before feeling a kiss on my cheek.
i close my eyes briefly at the feeling as my mother takes a seat next to me.
"you got to this window by yourself," she asked me, eyebrows furrowing as she whipped out her crocheting needles. (all this woman did was crochet i swear.)

"used the crutches," i say quietly. my mother only nods.

for a while we sit in silence, her humming and fireworks crackling are the only things i hear.  it felt as if i wasn't even here, as i watched myself from a small old tv.

i never always felt not real, but lately, it's been catching me at the oddest moments.

"oh" mother speaks, clearing her throat, "billie told me to tell you to check your phone. she didn't want to call in case you were asleep."

i nod, picking up my phone as i click on billie and it's messages.
i click play on the voice memo and it's a recording of her singing. her voice was so beautiful i don't know why she didn't post anything or put herself out there.

as i come to the end of the recording she giggles as jinx meows in the background.
i laugh as i text her back with a simple "you're so cute, i love youuu."

i am so in love with billie it's so hard to comprehend.
i mean loving billie felt like a newborn's laugh, felt like the drop on a roller coaster or dancing in the rain.
she's so beautiful as she projects the moon's glow, the sun's rays, the oceans peace.

everyone she came across was somehow affected by her, perhaps it was her aura, or her smile, or those damn blue eyes. so blue it could force you to recognize the world around you, and the person you chose to be.

or perhaps it was just her, simple yet so powerful her.

602 words
this is actually horrible omg??