ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

searching for you

july 10

billie

i kiss dawns cheek as i sit down on the chair next to her bed. she was still in the hospital, getting weaker by the day, though she keeps saying she feels like she's getting better i know she's lying to make me feel good about this whole thing.
dawn stirs in her sleep before opening her eyes slowly as a small smile rises on her lips.

"hi angel," dawn says, i return the smile with a small blush, "hi baby. how do you feel?"
she shrugs, "same old."

i nod, taking in her appearance. her face was so slim i hardly recognized her, she looked nothing as she did months ago, though i still thought she was beautiful.

"jinx misses you" i laugh "keeps meowing at your door, when it's closed."

dawn giggles, her eyebrows furrowing as she did. maybe it hurt to laugh, hurt to talk and smile, yet she did it anyway.
"you tired," i asked her as she wasn't talking much. i didn't expect dawn to completely talk up a storm, she's not even awake most of those days but i yearned to hear her voice.

i yearned to hear her tell me she loves me, yearned to hear her talk of her twins she desired and her cute beach house. her mind was so beautiful, it was heartbreaking to not be able to hear it.

"dawn," i say, she hums.

"are you tired?"

she shakes her head yes, even though i'm sure she's just woken up.
"sleep baby" i nod, taking hold of her hand "i'll be here."

dawn shakes her head no "i wanna talk to you," she says, her voice weak and scratchy.
i nod "what do you wanna hear me talk about, mon amour?"

"anything" she whispers.

i think for a moment, i felt as if i'd told dawn completely everything about me.
from how i learned french to just as simple as how i learned to tie my shoe. dawn and i had pointless conversations time and time again that i've run out of things to say.

"i'll tell you about the time my brother and i went viral" i laugh, remembering the time.
dawn raises her eyebrows, gesturing her hand as to say go on.

i tell her the story of how my brother and i recorded a song and put it out, how it went viral for years.

"why didn't you put any more out" dawn giggles, and i shrug "now that i think about it— i really don't know."

she giggles again, sighing as she closes her eyes briefly.

"i love you," dawn says, sighing again "so much."

"and i love you," i say, smiling so big it hurts because i don't think dawn truly understood my love for her. it ran so deep i could feel it.
when i say i needed dawn i meant i needed her heart to beat in a pace with mine; synchronized always, never missing a beat.

i needed to kiss her lips until they were swollen and turning red and blue and all the colors of the rainbow. i needed to let everyone know she was mine, needed everyone to know i got a chance at loving her and they didn't.
her voice, her eyes, her mind, her energy, her fucking everything meant so much to me deeply that nobody could ever understand it.

and maybe it's corny to say but she feels like home. she feels like cold ice cream melting down your hand on a hot summer day, she felt like running through a sprinkler as the grass pricked your small younger feet.

dawn felt amazing, connected to me in every way. i know we were meant to be, i can just feel it.
and even if we weren't i would search to the ends of the earth for her, — would search every universe for her over and over until we finally connected our souls once more.

660 words