ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

bygones

may 25

billie

the smell of cooked food floats into my nose as i enter the kitchen of dawns childhood home. the home was beautiful really; painted sage green walls, with beautiful pictures and plants everywhere.
it was homey— smelt of lemons or, some type of fruit i couldn't put my finger on.

dawn sat on the couch while i offered to set the table. "oh you're fine dear" her mother says "i'm sure dawn would want to eat outside anyway."

i nod, their backyard was beautiful, it'd be hard to say no.
i return to where dawn is, and help her make her way outside on the porch where a table rested; freshly cleaned and shining as if it were never outside, to begin with.

she sits and immediately begins wandering her eyes all over the backyard. i often wonder what's on her mind most of the time, she's always observing it's hard not to wonder.
i take the seat next to her, "what are you thinking about baby" i ask her.

"childhood" she immediately replies as if it was sitting right on the tip of her tongue.
i giggle, "what about it?"

dawn turns to look at me, yet she doesn't say a word. she breathes through her nose before turning back around to look at the old things.
a deflated ball sat just two feet away from us, it looked like it hadn't moved in years. there was a very old, very poorly built swing set, a couple of mats, and one gymnastics bar.

"just how everything was, how i felt about things."

i grow curious "how'd you think of things, my love?"

dawn sighs "i was a very stupid stupid child and teenager. thought just because i had cancer that i had to do everything and anything just in case i died the next day."

"therefore, i said a lot of stupid shit, and did a lot of stupid things that i don't even want to repeat."
i nod, taking hold of her hand that sat on her lap. "that's okay, we all do stupid shit— it's human."

dawn giggles yet her eyes furrow in the process. "you okay" i asked her, she nods unconvincingly, "of course."

before i can say anything else her mom walks outside with plates that look like there to fall any moment.
i rush up to help her as she thanks me.

i reply with a simple "you're welcome."

we sit in comfortable silence as we begin to eat the food she prepared for us; vegan, just for my liking, is what she said.
all of our eyes focused on different things; ms.solaces eyes trained on the enormous tree in the backyard, dawns on the sunset and mine on dawn.

we all seemed to sit in this silence only because we weren't in that phase of talking about everything to fill the space, but in the stage where we only had the silence and ourselves.
_
after dinner, dawn had asked me to help her upstairs to her room, because she simply felt like reminiscing. i left her up there, to help her mother clean up and the simple fact that i knew she wanted to be alone.

but as an hour has passed, i walked up the stairs, admiring the pictures hung up.
baby her was adorable with her little curls and bright smiles. her eyes were so big and brown that it made me want to have a kid of our own; to see them with her gorgeous features.

i walk into dawns old room, looking around as i didn't get to before. i run my hands over picture frames of faces i'd never seen, and medals that flanked together to create the sound of the moment she won them.
posters of artists she still loved were hung up, even a doll house still remained in the corner of her room.

i wanted to know what dawn was like when she was younger— ambitious? shy? thoughtful?

"billie," she says, not turning to face me as she lay facing the wall. i hum in response, acknowledging a sense of sorrow in her voice.

"come lay with me," dawn says, i obliged, taking off my hoodie and shirt, leaving myself in a sports bra and sweatpants.
i crook myself behind dawns body, rubbing my hand over her waist as she hums.

"what were you like when you were younger," i asked, dawn sighs as if she knew i'd ask. perhaps she didn't want to talk about it, or maybe she just is too deep in nostalgia at the moment.

"i was stupid," she said, i giggle "the good attributes my love."
dawns silent before saying "i was very free-spirited when i was younger, always in a tree, or always by the ocean. id always take an interest in new things just because i always thought i was going to die. i wanted to do everything and anything."

she giggles, perhaps thinking of a memory. "i wasn't great at making friends, yet somehow i made them and somehow they didn't run far far away from me."
"little me was truly a character, despite all the treatments and medicine. i never let my condition— be me.

i hum, i'm sure dawn and i would have been the best of friends. "do you miss it" i inquired, interlocking our fingers as i did.
"sure, sometimes, but i don't like to think of the past, because i know i can't go back to the moments i love."

"because i can run through endless fields of memories and wishes and promises but i know i will never be there anymore. i will never get that moment back, even us eating dinner just today, will i not get back.
it makes me think too much— the past, id rather just live than dwell on things that cannot return to me."

i kiss her temple because her mind was just so complex yet so right. the way she think was just a gift.
"gosh you're amazing dawn," i say to her "such a gift to me, i don't know what i did to deserve you."

"shut up" she giggle, yet it wasn't the same. it was missing something i couldn't put my finger on.

"so if you could say one thing to your past self, what would it be," i ask one final question because i can sense she's getting tired.

she's quiet for a moment before saying "slow down, and live."

1084 words