ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

secretive devotion

not proof read
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february 8

billie

id never thought i'd get this moment. this moment of staring at a person with the most adoration humanly possible.
it's quiet and all i can hear is the sounds of dawn's breaths, but i don't mind, it calms me.

i run my fingertips up her arm, to her neck, and then her face, tracing the moles placed almost everywhere on the skin.
dawn makes me feel so good. so warm.

i haven't felt that in a while. for as long as i'd remembered there was this silence, this deafeningly hollow silence that echoed in my head. it drove me insane, to the point where it wasn't silent anymore, it was loud, irritating crashes of voices.

and as soon as i saw dawns pretty eyes in my car light, they just went quiet. and for days after that, i'd stayed over my shift time, waiting for her, hoping i'd see her again.

because dawn is a once-in-a-lifetime.

the way she makes me feel, her energy, her aura, it was all so magical. and when i'm face to face with her, my heart beats over its required pace, because it knows that she's the one.

"stop" dawn groans as she flips over, "stop staring at me."

"why," i say, pressing my front against her back as my chin hits her shoulder "i like to admire your essence."

she giggles, "okay billie."

i start to touch her skin again when i come across a lump, i rub it for only a second "hey, what's this" i ask dawn.

she hums, reaching over to touch it as well. when she does, her eyes open. "i don't know" dawn says "probably nothing."

suddenly she's awake and walking into the bathroom without another word.
id always question dawn about the spots on her body but she simply says it's because she pushes herself past limits, and i never thought twice about it because my body can do the same thing at times.

but dawn was oddly secretive about it, about why she was in therapy, why she took so many pills.

and it wasn't that i wanted to investigate her, it was simply because i wanted to know how to comfort her.
because i knew dawn, but i didn't know dawn.
-
her hands are cold when they touch my cheek and count the spots on my face, but i don't say anything. in fact, i haven't said a word in about thirty minutes.

we'd been laying here for most of the day because she was tired, like she didn't even wanna move.
and i respected that because dawn does always say she pushes herself and all i wanted was for her to be alright.

this entire time, all i've done was stare at dawn, staring at her eyes and her nose and especially her lips.

i knew that i was already in love with dawn, in love with everything thing of her.
to her complex sense of life to the way she smells, but i could never tell her— not now at least.

i fear i'd scare her off because i do not know her perception of love, so i would not know if she'd think it was okay to be in love with someone this quickly.
i mean hell dawn wasn't even my girlfriend, i don't know how she'd react.

and even if she reacted horribly, and ghosted me for life, i would still be mad about her.
because i believed that if you truly loved someone or something, you could never stop loving it.

even if it was just a smidge of love.

"what are your thoughts" i start, grabbing dawns wrist as her hand remains on my cheek "of love."

dawn chuckles, as if she'd seen this question coming.

"i've thought long and hard about this when i'm alone, but each time i do, i can't find a word for it."

"because love is subjective— everyone has their own opinion. for me love is beautiful, it heals, it protects. for me, love feels like cold sheets and fresh air. for others, it may be different.
for people that have been hurt, love can be arguments, love can be sadness because that's all they know, all they've experienced."

dawn is quiet for a second, possibly thinking.

"you only can love as much you know, looking back at your 'first love' you may think it was young, stupid, and just simply unrealistic, but at the time you were in love because that was all you knew, all you got to experience.
so i think that love is what you make it—- like i think all things should be."

i'm so in love with dawn.

if this was what she thought of love then i wanted to be her cold sheets, i wanted to be her fresh air, her protector, her everything.

"i love your mind and the way you think, it's truly beautiful how you think dawn," i say "you should be a poet or something."

she smiles with a laugh "you're too nice."

"no seriously" i laughed as well, "you could actually make it big!"

dawn only shakes her head as the silence begins to fall again. her hands bring my face close as she briefly kisses my nose with a giggle.

it wasn't my lips, no, and some may even think it's weird but i want her to do it again. i want dawn to kiss my face a million times on end because i know each time my love for her will grow bigger.

i cup her face in my hands and lean in to kiss her forehead, she giggles again.

"je suis tellement amoureux de toi, dawn" i whisper so close to her lips i can feel her giggles.

"you are actually so perfect," she says, i laugh "no where near."

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