ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

silently perish

july 20

the ocean is rippling as i sit on the sand, having no care for the white shorts on my body.

dawns mother and tiana sit next to me, dawns ashes in front of us. "she loved you both so much" tiana says breaking the silence that'd been lingering for over forty-five minutes ago.
i hum, as she continues "she told me of how much she'd pray and pray every day to stay a little longer because she just wanted for you two to be happy."

i don't know why her friend was telling me this, because even though i appreciated her kind words i didn't want to cry in front of anyone anymore.

we sit in more silence until her mother speaks. i don't listen, i can't, all i can pay attention to is the sound of the waves hitting each other, and how soon they will be corrupted by dawn and i won't be.

i missed her so much.
when i looked at dawn, i felt this type of happiness and love that no one ever gave me before. one looks at her beautiful eyes and im suddenly reminded that angels exist.
her beautiful soul, surrounded by water and flowers and music that just made you want to dance.

how is it, dawn did not get to live— with a soul like that?

"billie," tiana says, shaking my shoulder. i hum, "do you want to do the honors" her mother spoke, tapping the urn twice. i don't even want to look at the urn let alone touch it.
yet i still stand, holding the white urn in my hands.

i take my shoes off to stand in the water, closing my eyes before mumbling the words "jusqu'à ce qu'on se retrouve."

when i sprinkle them into the ocean waves they take them gracefully as if saying thank you. it's not fair.
her mom rubs my back, and hugs me before taking the urn "if you need anything just call me" she says before walking away.

i give tiana a long, tight hug. she holds me tightly, saying it's going to be okay but i know it won't be.
i'm crying again, and all i can think about is how i will never be able to stop.

tiana pulls away, says "call me if you feel like you're not okay" before walking away.

and now i sit in envy because i wholeheartedly wanted to be able to walk away too but i couldn't. i couldn't even move from my spot so i sit, not caring that the ocean was drenching my bottom half.

all i want is dawn back, all i wanted was for her to simply say she was okay. i lay my head on my knees as i cry and choke on my breaths.
it hurts, it hurts every bone in my body and i can't make it stop.

the ripples of the ocean have turned into tiny waves as they wash through me.
my head pounds am i'm sure i'm simply going crazy when i hear the whispers ringing in my ears.

"don't cry," a voice says. i peel my head up almost immediately, looking around but finding nothing but myself.
the voice giggles and gosh the butterflies in my stomach erupt immediately from the familiarity.

"i'm right here my love" the voice laughs, as the waves of the ocean run through me yet again.
"dawn," i asked because i was in disbelief. the time she told me the waves spoke to her it was dead silent for me, and i thought i was simply not blessed with the power to hear them.

"billie" dawn reassures.

and it's as if everything in me simply rushed out because i began to sob even harder.
dawn only giggled "don't cry love, i'm here."

"no you're not" i sobbed "everything is heavy, it hurts. i can't do it."

"yes you can beautiful," she says, " don't say things like that."
dawn doesn't say anything for a while as i sit in my tears until she finally says "i miss you. i miss your touch and the way you kissed me."

dawn sounds like she's slipping away now, as if she had a time limit to be talking to me.
i can't fathom how dawn was talking to me but i won't complain. her voice hugged me, it comforted me, it told me all the things i wanted to hear.

"dawn," i say, she hums, "you can rest now. i'm okay," i say though we hadn't even exchanged an entire conversation yet.
i don't want dawn to be taken up with my problems. i mean after all, i don't know what happens to spirits in death, she could be exploring an entire realm right now.

"billie," she says sadly, and that's the last thing i hear from her.
perhaps i set her free, who knows? who knows what happens and who knows why— it doesn't matter.

what matters is dawn, and how all i need is for her to be okay.
dawn was dying when i met her, dawn was dying even when i thought she was getting better, and when she lay quiet and relaxed in that hospital bed i knew she had come to peace with it.

i knew she had come to peace with it as death silently took her away from the world she once called home, as death silently took her away from me, and all she ever loved.

the end

915 words