the future accompanied by tears

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not proof read

april 20

it's four in the morning. i'm on duolingo, learning french; i have been for the last three hours.
my room is quiet, almost haunting me. almost as if the silence was creeping up my spine, making its way into my skin and taking me away.

i debate on waking billie for the fifth time. i'm bored, i want to talk to someone.
but i don't want to be a bother, she's already done so much for me.
i can't even remember the last time billie slept in her own bed, but despite all of this i run my fingers through her hair and down her cheek as she begins to groan.

"hm" was all billie said as she flipped over on her back. "billie," i say, she groans again but opens her eyes.
"yes, dawn," billie says lowly.

"hi."

billie smiles slightly, bringing me into her neck "hi? why are you awake?"
i take in her smell, her bare stomach, and the way her hand runs up and down my side. i take it all in as if this is the last time i'll ever feel anything ever again.

"i can't sleep, can you talk to me," i asked billie. i hear her laugh, and then she sighs in contentment ( i like to believe) "of course baby, what about?"

"anything."

billies was quiet for a moment before saying "one of the first times i watched the sunset with you before we were even dating. you wore this long brown skirt, with this knitted top because it was kinda warm and you had on this lip gloss that just fucking looked so good" billie giggled.

"i remember the breeze flowing in your hair. the way you leaned back on your hands and just smiled at the sky. i was trying to figure you out i think, but i just— couldn't?"
" i remember just looking at you. like i wholeheartedly could not take my eyes off of you. the sun was setting yet you intrigued me much more. i just remember thinking 'wow' and all i could think of was how beautiful you truly are."

i'm listening to billie speak about me in ways not even my own mother could possess and it's making me feel light.
as if gravity simply switched off and allowed me to float into her tone, her voice, her words.

"i think that's when i knew" billie sighs.

"knew what," i asked her even though i knew exactly what she was talking about.
"that i wanted to make you mine," billie says.

"i just knew that no sunset, no sunrise, no moon, no star, no wave, or anything else would ever amount to you."

billie knew just how to say things it was simply soul-snatching. i could listen to this woman talk for eternities.

"i think i knew i liked you when you stayed the night the first time," i say to billie. "it's not as perfect as yours but it was literally just the way you said my name that was like— i don't even know" laughed.

"i remember just feeling your breath when i woke up and i just thought 'what the fuck.'
billie giggled as she kisses my forehead "you're so cute."

for a while it's quiet, and i think billies fallen asleep until she says my name.
"yes" i answer.

"do you want kids?"

"why," i asked, billie and i had never had a conversation like this, not that it would matter because my health is weakening as we speak but i wonder where it was coming from.
"i'm just wondering," she asked me, her voice had suddenly become quieter.

"i do actually" i answer billie truthfully "i want two, preferably a set of twins. i didn't really care about the gender before but now that i think about it i think one girl and one boy."

"i'd always dreamed about a house by the ocean too, and i'd imagine them growing up along the water, and i secretly wished they'd find the same peace i find in it too."

i bet billie could hear the smile in my voice because when i start to talk about things like this i get carried away. i start thinking of every little thing, every scenario, and more.

"oh and i know i said before how much i didn't like pets but i think like one cat would be perfect."
billie was silent as i spoke, she had suddenly stiffened and i think she was upset.

"billie," i say, she hums, "are you crying?"

billie doesn't answer so i sit up and switch on the lamp next to us. she in fact was but i didn't know why.
all i do is bring her into my arms and ask what's wrong but she doesn't answer.

maybe billies crying for me, knowing i won't be able to get what i want. maybe billie knows i won't get my twins or my beach house or a life with her.
but i thought we were pretending? i thought she was?

"billie what's wrong," i asked again, she sobs even harder. her words stutter and blend together, making it all gibberish.
"ijustwantyoutogeteverythingyouwishfor."

perhaps reality has set in, perhaps she has realized that even she cannot pretend any longer.

perhaps she's clicked in her mind that death will eventually take me away come time. 

903 words

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