ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

humans and the urge to be seen

january 21

i don't want to move.

im afraid if i do— i'll ultimately knock billie back into her senses. my head lays on her shoulder, only a little as she sleeps slightly on her back.

i've slowed my breathing a thousand times to match hers but i've failed. i can't really see billie, but i can hear her and her tiny snores and long exhales. 

it's driving me insane.

the simplicity is driving me insane. how easy it was for her to spend the night is driving me insane. just billie alone is driving me insane.

my knee hits her thigh and i curse myself as billie begins to stir in her sleep, i pray and pray that she doesn't wake but she does.

i feel her move but then abruptly stop as she acknowledges me, all i can see is her silhouette but i can feel billies heart begin to beat rather quickly.

i imagine she's blushing. i imagine she's thinking of me on her shoulder.

"dawn" billie whispers, i can hardly hear it. i only hum.

"you awake," she asks, running her hand through my hair. i don't know if like it.
"yes— have been for a while" i answer and hope to god she won't think i was staring at her this whole time.

billie chuckles, "why didn't you get up?"

i think i feel myself blush as billie unintentionally moans and shifts herself down to my level

"didn't want to wake you" my voice was tender and shaky and i knew billie could hear it but i don't think i cared.
hell, i might even want her to hear it.

for a while, we don't say anything and i wonder if she's fallen back asleep. i'm scared to admit the certainty of liking billie; having a crush at 20 was kinda childish.

usually, i am straightforward; openly admitting to what i feel but billie makes me anxious and scared. and though i do not want to hide my little feelings for her i will, because i cannot be with her.

billie begins to laugh lightly, running her hands over mine. i realize i've been gripping her shirt sleeve, leaving her to be inches away from me.

"don't want me to go dawn," billie asked, and i loved the way she just said my name. i don't respond.

"well i have to," she says, i huff uncontrollably.

"i have to go" billie drags "i'm already running late for something," she says, i secretly groan in my head.
i love being alone, i love being by myself, but billies company, her presence makes me feel— i don't know.

"okay" i whisper, "okay," billie says back.

"you gonna be okay," billie asks and i'm just a little offended that she thinks i need her to stay with me.

i don't respond for only a couple of seconds, "of course."

i lied.
-
monthly hospital visits aren't my favorite, especially because my mom thinks she's required to be here. even though i know she means well, i'm an adult.

it's kind of the same thing, a refill on meds, the regular check-up, and a PET scan just to make sure there aren't any unwanted tumors.

i won't ever admit this but i'm secretly afraid one
day the whole screen will light up. i'm afraid i'll die.

and though i say things like "if it wanted to it would" i am still secretly afraid.

i think that's the thing with humans, we say things we don't mean. we do things we don't want to do. maybe it's for the pleasure of others or maybe even because you do not want to admit to yourself that's not how you feel but either way it hurts.

it hurts denying and degrading yourself. we are all afraid, even if you do not acknowledge it, it is still there lurking and patiently waiting for you to fall under pressure.
-
i hadn't seen tiana in person since the party. she stands in front of me and her pink hair is only slightly starting to fade.

i take a sip from the warm tea that she's made and sit crisscrossed on her bright green couch.
tianas house is vibrant and full of weird shapes and colors. i can't tell if i liked it yet, it's complex and different.

"want to go on a walk," tiana says, putting on her shoes before i can respond. i don't want to, i've already been pushing the limits on myself.

i blow through my nose "sure."

as me and tiana walk outside i stare at the sky trying to figure out how to be in this moment rather than in my head.

"i wished the stars knew i existed," i say, almost to myself as tiana takes a sip from the tea she's brung.

"in a way, i think they do" she responds, "they watch over us and they listen and they understand."

i sigh, the undeniable fact that she is partly correct itching into my veins. "yes i know but."

i don't respond, i let the white noise fill out the space. i let the dogs of the neighborhood bark away, and i let the trees make noise as they brush against each other.

when i stare into the dark sky and see the glowing specks it mesmerizes my eyes; mind. i think the stars give me hope, that no matter how long you stay in one place, in one mindset, in one feeling, you can still shine.

i think they give me hope that when i'm tracing their lines and giving them each and every worry, i'll be okay.
but they hold memories and dreams and could've beens. they hold love, and i think that is why i wish they knew i existed. so i could be acknowledged, cherished, and desired.

"but" tiana finally questions.

"but i want to be acknowledged i want to be heard and i want them to talk back."
"though i know they can't my body still aches to speak to them."
"and sometimes the stars are my only hope because i feel like no one and i feel like a malfunction. i feel stupid for feeling alone and i don't know why i do."

i look up again and feel the breeze hit my face, cold and fierce.

"the stars love you just as much as you love them okay," tiana says, "you aren't stupid, you aren't alone— you are just where you need to be."

i smile because somehow i feel acknowledged, and somehow i feel heard.

somehow i feel like i exist in a way no one else could understand.