ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

everything speaks but me

march 15

it's been five days since i've spoken to billie. the last thing i said to her was "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry."
she didn't understand why i was crying, why i could possibly be upset.

i wouldn't give her an answer as to why i acted the way i did because i couldn't. i couldn't explain to the girl i'm practically in love with that im dying— my body wouldn't let me.
she thinks i'm bored of her, cheating on her and i almost laughed. why would i— how could i ever grow bored of my billie?

and when i didn't respond to her accusations she simply called an uber for me, and said she needed time to think— i guess she still needs time.

every day for these past five days, i've woken up at 6:30, put on shorts, and gone outside on the sand.

i sit by the waves and let them wash my ugly feet, let them swallow me up with their water. i let them whisper things to me, whisper the things i ask myself every day.
i've invited tiana today but she hasn't arrived yet, so now i am forced to sit with the waves words of disappointment.

"silly girl, pitying yourself," the waves say, i shrug, "i'm dying, and my girlfriend won't talk to me."

the waves crash and retreat until washing my feet again "so you're choosing to wallow?"

i shrug again, "wallowing will only lead to disappointment."
i nod, "i guess so."

"you wouldn't get it, you're not a human, you're not a girl. things hurt more than your waves hitting me."

the waves didn't know how life was, they just do this in peace. they sit and they crash and they sit some more because that's all they'll ever do.

the waves go quiet, they don't want to talk to me anymore fore my sadness may be rubbing off on them.
and just when i feel my thoughts begin to slip everything begins speaking.

and i mean EVERYTHING.

the wind, the trees, even the little grains of sand, they're all staring and wondering how i managed to fuck something so simple up.

i envy them, because how are they able to speak when i can't.
and i'm not going to cry about them screaming at me, or the fact that more hair has fallen, or the fact that my entire right leg is filled with cancer and i may have to get it amputated.

i'm not going to cry because i don't deserve to.

the waves are talking to me again, they say "come with us girl, we'll protect you" but i don't want to move. they say "please girl. your pain on land is crucial."

i think about living in the ocean, about how i'd die no more than a minute under yet i'd still feel at ease. i scoot closer and wonder how the water would feel in my lung, in my bones.

and just before i am about to ease my entire body into this ocean, tiana shows.

she brought her girlfriend, charlotte hargrove. i still think she is more gorgeous than ever.

"hello," i say to them both, charlotte only waves as tiana hugs me, "how do you feel?"

"like death has already gotten me."

551 words