ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

the desired mark on life

march 20

billie

today was quiet and stormy. all i wanted to do was lay in bed, which i have been doing all day.

i've watched so many movies and eaten way too many slices of pizza that i never wanna have it again.

now, as the end credits for karate kid rolled in i lay in bed waiting for dawn to text me back.

i decided i'd just go over to her place because i missed her. she was trying to push me away, which i certainly wouldn't allow, because like i said, i love dawn, i worry for her.

i worry for dawn still even after knowing why she's hurting. i worry for her because i love dawn with every atom in my body.
and that is everything because we humans are only that; atoms ricocheting off of each other.

and if i were nothing but a pool of my own energy, knowing that the human form was a painful thing to endure, i would still take that chance simply to know dawn all over again.
-
as i arrived at dawns apartment, i could hear the commotion not even one step into the door. i quickly close the door with a furrow of my eyebrows and jog down the hall to dawns room.

i could hear my girlfriend's sobs, they was so coarse and— violent it sent shivers down my spine.
i walk into her room but i don't notice her until i advert my eyes to her open bathroom.

my breath gets caught in my throat and i don't know what to say as dawns ginger coils surround her like a blanket. she's brushing what's left on her head as it continues to fall on the counter, at her feet— everywhere.

"dawn" i choke out, she looks at me shock coating her swollen red face before slamming the door to her bathroom rather quickly.

"dawn open the door," i say but she simply ignores me. i wanted dawn to understand that all i want is to be there for her, to help her, and hold her when she cries but she just couldn't comprehend that.

"let me in dawn," i say softly "i've already seen."

it's silent before she opens the door slowly. i walk in and stand in front of her. she doesn't look at me but i can see the pain all over face.

it hurt my heart to see her like this, to see her be so sad over something that wasn't even her fault.

"my pretty girl," i say with a smile "it's okay— okay?"

she shakes her head tears beginning to prick once more. "yes it is, it's just hair baby."
i hold dawns face in my hands, kissing her lips before looking through her cabinets for clippers.

after i found them i plug them into the wall and asked her "can i just cut it?"
dawn nods with so much sadness in her eyes it churned my stomach.

she puts her head down, closing her eyes as the clipper sound was enough to drive her back into tears.

it didn't take much really, fore' most of it all had already fallen. when done i turn off the painful noise of the clips and run my hand over dawns head.

she cries and cries and cries even more and nothing i say or do will make her stop.
"dawn," i say to her she opens her eyes but doesn't look at me.

"you're beautiful okay? you're still my girl, hair or not."

she doesn't say anything as she walks out of the bathroom and into her bed. i watch as dawn hides under her comforter, her silhouette beginning to curl into a ball.

"why," dawn says so quietly i'm surprised i catch it. i sit down on her bed next to her body as i run my hand down her arm in comfort.
"why what baby," i asked, dawn hiccups and her breath quickens "why me?"

i do not have an answer for her, i truly don't. "i don't know" i say quietly "i'm sorry."

dawn whimpers "it's just not fair, other people get to live a life so long that i can't even count it on my fingers. they get to succeed and do things i only ever dream of billie, they make these impacts and these revolutionary statements and inventions, and i'm just here."
"i won't do anything special, and i won't be a good enough person to even be remembered. why was i put on earth to just go like this? why can't i be special?"

i furrow my eyebrows as my eyes begin to sting. i don't like it when dawn talks of herself in ways i don't even want to repeat.
because i think of dawn as the most beautiful, most special person in the fucking world.

because dawn was truly amazing.
it was as if the universe spent weeks on her, years even. as if she was kissed by the moon herself as if she was rolled through the waves of the ocean a hundred times before they spit her out and decided she was perfect.

it was as if dawn was a god herself.

"dawn," i say "everyone dies okay? and not everybody in the world is meant to do something extraordinary."

"you don't have to be known by millions to be special. your 'mark on life' is what you do. the decision you take your choices and life goals are what make you.
what you do for your mom, for your friends, what you do for me dawn, is what makes you fucking amazing."

the air is stuffy and clinging onto me as i've just walked through a web. my throat is tight and maybe it's because of the air or maybe even the simple fact that dawn thinks she will die before she reaches her next age but i did not like this feeling.

"i wanted to be special though" dawn whispers.

i grumble slightly, tears dropping from my closed eyes "your special to me dawn! isn't that enough?"

she doesn't respond, the silence beginning to pull us under. "just go home billie" she finally says "this is too much for you."

i ignore her request, taking my shoes off and getting under dawns sheets. i close my eyes in hopes that when we wake up this will all be a dream.
that dawn would stop pushing me away, that dawn would be okay.

i hoped that when we wake, she'll be better.

1090 words