ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

even when your heart stops beating

march 17

my therapist had called me twice today, wondering why i'd been skipping our session but i couldn't seem to care.
i did not even want to get out of bed, i was growing depressed over my entire right leg.

i am to be scheduled for surgery on april 20 as there is no way to save my oh-so-precious leg. the cancer has all most fully grown its way into my blood vessels so i was simply wallowing in the fact that i'd be leg-less.

and the fact that even then will i only have a fifty/fifty percent chance of surviving.

i'm in so much pain that even breathing hurts, i wanted death to simply grab me already, for it to take me away without the pain.
why was i to be put through all of this knowing i'm going to die in the end?

i had no one to go to during this time of crisis and honestly felt quite alone for the first time in my entire life.
everything had stopped speaking to me— even my own thoughts and now i was forced to only hear myself cry.

at times before this, i thought i would have billie, but i didn't. id called her almost every day and even called her on our one-month anniversary but the phone went to voicemail each and every time.

i was sure we'd last, sure id have my billie until i took my very last breath.

i missed billie even though she hadn't made the effort to answer.
i yearned for her french and her beautiful face yearned for simply her. i knew that even her demeanor was enough to take away my despair.

i knew i needed to call her again so that's what i did, in hopes that billie would speak to me. it rings and it rings, finally, when i'm just about to press that painful red button, billie answers.

i'm quiet, wondering if the automated message is about to tell me that billies voicemail box is full.

"hello?" we both say in sync.

i feel my heart beating ten times faster. "billie," i say rather quickly "i'm sorry please can we talk—"
billie cuts me off "i'm coming over."

and though that's what i wanted, my eyes widened. they widened at my dirty room and they widened at my hair by my bedside.

"okay" was all i said, "okay," billie said in return, and with that, the phone call was disconnected.

i knew what i was about to do would pain me later but i couldn't care.
my leg pulsed in pain as i limped around my room, cleaning the things i knew billie wouldn't judge me for.

i simply stuff my hair into the drawer next to me because billie didn't live quite far and i needed to find something to put on my head.

as i find some knitted hat my mom made for me long ago there's a knock on my door. in walks billie and even when her face is scrunched and she looks mad, my stomach fills with butterflies.

god, i've missed her face.

my face looks swollen, my lips are chapped and my eyes are red but billie doesn't ask about that she simply says "hey."

"hi," i say.

billie is now in front of me, looking me over like i'm an expensive antique. she grabs hold of my chin, and i let her.
"what's wrong," she says, i swallow "you weren't talking to me."