ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

the multiverse

february 1

the sound of thunder frightens me awake. it's dark and i've realized billie lays next to me as i sit up and stare at the arm around me.
"just thunder" was all she said as she pulled me back down, sleep still laced between her words.

i was already awake now and i knew surely i was not going to fall back asleep. it's so quiet i can hear my heart beating inside of me, the splashes of puddles as the cars pass by, billies soft breathing.

i'm so aware of everything around me right now and i didn't know why i don't like it. it makes me hyper-focused on my being, how i am able to process those thoughts in my head, how i am able to hear, see, feel.

sometimes i think of what other people are doing at this moment, as i lay in bed someone is partying, crying, or perhaps even thinking of what i'm doing.

i think of the multiverse and how there is a me with blue hair, a me without cancer, a me with all i've ever wanted.

i wondered if billie believed in the multiverse if she believed that there is a her where she got everything she desired, a her where she and i were meant to be.

"billie" i quietly say, she hums groggily, pulling me in close to her. "what would you like your desired universe to be like?"

she doesn't answer for a while until saying "i don't know."

i'm a little confused about her response because usually billie will give me a response with depth, and explanation, no matter if i've woken her up from sleep.

"i answer later," she chuckles at my silence, "please get some rest."

switching positions, billie nestles her head into my neck, slipping her hand under my shirt to trace circles on my stomach.

this makes me warm. it makes me very very warm.

i can't quite tell if billie feels it but she chuckles again, and it makes me feel content.

i began to think of the multiverse again, and secretly— only sometimes, i hoped that this universe is the one where billie and i are meant to be.
-
my hair is a mess and i'm in pajamas that are far too embarrassing to even describe, yet billie stands in front of me calling me beautiful for the fifth time this evening.

we have not done anything but sit in her house and watch movies, it's relaxing and i adored the way i felt throughout today.

i feel as if she and i lived together, as a couple, alone with each other beings. i'm imagining the home when it's wet, dark, and cloudy as the rain puddles being to grow larger.

i'm imagining her arms wrapping around me as i stare out the window, coffee mug in hand.
i'm imagining her kisses, her touch, and im trying to make it feel real but i can't concentrate as hard as i'd like.

"what're you thinking about," billie asked, completely seeming to see right through me.

"things."

"what things," she asked.

i only halfway smiled as i turned to look at her "nothing billie."
she dramatically sighs as she walks around the counter and towards me "if you don't tell me dawn—- i'm going to be forced to tickle you."

she begins to tickle me and my first instinct is to run, so i do.
she chases me with her loud cute laugh, tackling me on the floor as she begins to tickle me.

i hated being tickled but billie seems to make everything better than it is.
"okay okay," i say out of breath as billie stops, "you'll tell me," billie asked.

i nodded with a hum, regaining my breathing pattern.

"i was just thinking about you," i say.

billie smiles wider "what about me?"

"you, me, and—" suddenly i am blushing, blushing so hard that even my hands begin to grow hot. billie laughs at me, "it's okay" she says removing my hands from covering my face "id have a crush on me too."

"i don't have a crush," i say to billie "that'd be childish!"

billie just shrugs as she pulls me up.

"oh and by the way," she says, flopping on the couch, "i thought about your question."

i nod, remembering what id asked her earlier.

"i think i'd like my universe to be full of happiness, that's a huge thing for me."

"to maintain happiness and be able to be free among myself; to not feel trapped."

i nod as i sit next to her, she puts her arm around me and lays my head on her shoulder. i like this gesture.

the multiverse is full of every possibility, so i guarantee there is one with her desire. "and" she says, but doesn't say anything for a while.

i stare into her eyes, i've never expressed how much i loved the blue simply because they sorta made me nervous.
but they're truly beautiful, it's so hypnotic.

billie cups my cheek after running her hands through my hair. she licks her lips "et si je n'avais droit qu'à un seul souhait dans mon univers désiré— ce serait de t'avoir."

billie smiles with a sigh, "parce que je pense qu'un univers sans toi serait un enfer."

i closed my eyes briefly as her forehead touches mine, her minty breath hitting my lips.
goodness i couldn't stand this woman, she drove me insane yet i loved to be around her.

the moment i breathe in billie's scent, my head is clouded with every perfect scenario i can think of.
she makes me forget of all of the hurt and the medication and the therapy because her being is simply comforting.

it is impossible to not be me around billie because her soul forces me to acknowledge myself, acknowledge who i am.

i am not going to sit here and pretend i wouldn't know who i was without her because that's not true, what is true is that she unlocks a new version of me.
it is a version never seen before, a version that will expand day by day.

"i'd want you in my desired universe" i whisper, "and if i couldn't have you then— i wouldn't want one at all."

1053 words