ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

perception of beauty

january 25

it'd been seven days since i'd been with anyone; billie tiana. three days i'd spent in bed, and six days i hadn't been acknowledged.
i say six because billie has texted me numerous numbers of times in this past hour, to which i've only responded with voice messages.

i send things of me talking, saying things like "i have no idea what you are talking about billie" or "why do act as if this is the end of the world?"

she'd been going on and on about how she lost a hoodie that she so desperately needs to wear or she'll die. she says, "now that i'm realizing i have not seen it all month."

a breathy laugh escapes my lips as i ready my response, that was until billies name flashed across my screen.

she is calling me.

i answer, throwing my phone down to face the ceiling. i have not left my house in a week, the embarrassment of billie seeing me will drive me crazy.

"hi billie," i say, it's quiet as i hear billie rummaging around her room. "hello pretty girl" billies voice finally booms through my ears and into my mind.

it creates the waves i've missed, it creates that feeling i loved. i surf across the waves she's made in my head, i glow in the heat she creates on my cheeks.

"i've missed your voice, you should call me more you know," i say, i don't know why i say it, im not very straightforward when it comes to billie.

billie hums, to which i roll my eyes "i said i've missed your voice."

she sucks in a breath and id like to imagine she blushed and smiled as she shook her head.
"i've missed your pretty face," billie says "i want to see you."

"i look like absolute shit right now," i laughed with billie, "not possible," she says.

i roll my eyes as i reach over to turn on a lamp. as i set up my phone i watch billie do the same, her eyes trailing from my messy curls to the tight tank top that covered my body.

"i feel as if," billie says, beginning to speak but doubling back on her words.
"i feel as if votre essence ne pourrait jamais être capturée par l'œil humain —parce que même maintenant —je sais qu'il y a plus de couches en vous qu'il n'est humainement possible."

billie pauses as she looks away from the screen, "je veux passer par chacun d'entre eux. chaque phase. chaque émotion. parce que tu es une si belle aube, —c'est à couper le souffle."

i never knew words could sound so beautiful, though you don't even know what they mean. the way she speaks, and the way she is so casually able to capture the perfectness of confidence is breathtaking.

i smile, "teach me, french stranger," i say. billie laughs "no because then you're gonna know all my secrets."

i raise my eyebrows jokingly "have something to hide?"

billie chuckles, "juste des émotions envers toi."
-
"did you ever find your hoodie," i asked billie as we sat along the grass, the wind blowing her black hair.

billie laughs and looks over to me, "you're wearing it."

i don't know why i blush or why i laugh but i do. i suddenly remember that night she'd given it to me, i remember her drawing me in closer and talking to me like i was the only person in the world.

"i'm sorry" i laughed, billie smiled "don't be, looks good on you."

i blush again and i'm sure she can see it. billies eyes crinkle as she cracks a big smile. her hair blows and the moonlight highlights the sprinkled freckles on her pink cheeks.

"i don't think i've ever told you before but, you're so gorgeous. it's breathtaking. and it's like— heart-stopping."

billie looks away from me rather quickly, running her hands down her face with that huge smile of hers.

"and i find a lot of things beautiful, plants, the ocean, words, but you, you're something that makes me feel. your beauty makes me warm."

billie laughs "please stop, or you're going to drive me insane."

"your perception of beauty is not what i expected," billie says.
"you do not know my perception" i reply "you merely know the surface."

"will you tell me," billie asks, her hand brushing over mine as she lays back.
i sigh and wish that her hands would've lingered longer, long enough to feel and trace the lines in them.

"do you think we already possess a sense of beauty, or do you believe that it must be learned?"

"is this a trick question" billie asks, her hand brushing over mine yet again.
"answer" i reply.

"has to be learned," billie says questionably.
"i disagree" i respond. "if we are to only deem things beautiful only after learning and experiencing then we humans wouldn't seek to create it naturally."

"some things naturally appeal yes, but even then our minds can change. our minds can think one thing is perfect and then change itself in a second after learning its true meaning."

"and while it is good to learn, good to research, i do not think beauty is something you learn. beauty is something you let be in its own peace."

"so billie," i say, becoming quieter as billie finally decides to take hold of my hand, "my perception of beauty is to let it be. to let it flow into the cracks of your skin, the blemishes, and scars, to let it sink into you peacefully."

it's quiet now. so quiet i can hear the birds nestle for in bed. billie sighs and rubs her thumb over the back of my hand.

"you're perfect, dawn" is all she says "undeniably perfect."

974 words