ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

the grim reaper

sorry this took so long and sorry this is so bad, it's the end of the semester and all i've been doing is work work work.

february 18

the lamp light shone upon the keys of the piano. i was sat on my girlfriend's lap, her hands guiding mine across the keys of the piano. i believe the sun had risen over an hour ago, but neither of us seemed to care.
it was quiet, the only sound being the sound of music coming from the piano. i don't know where billie learned to play, or how i'd never noticed this piano in her house before but it was perfect.

this moment was sweet, calm— but as they say, it is always calm before the storm.

i could feel the underlying pit in my stomach, it was unusual and quite heart racing. it was that feeling as if you knew something bad was going to happen as if the grim reaper himself was caressing your cheek with delicacy.

i didn't want to worry, yet here i am, thinking of every possibility known to mankind. i was not due for another doctor's appointment for three days from now but i couldn't wait. something feels wrong. something feels really really bad.
-
my mother won't let me hear what the doctors are saying as if i'm a child.
so she's forced me to sit inside the room while they talk outside.

i have leveled down my possibilities to one option; cancer has seemingly gotten worse and i'm literally gonna die.
i literally cannot think of anything else.

i don't know what id do if i'd have to begin spending nights in the hospital again. to begin taking even more meds and not knowing whether or not you're going to be able to survive the next day.

my doctor and mother walk through the door with unreadable looks on their face. they're silent, deafeningly silent.

"spit it out," i say, "the cancers gotten bad again?"

they shake their heads.

"no dawn," my doctor says, "this is new— you have osteosarcoma, it's a rare bone cancer, and it's pretty serious already so we may have to begin chemotherapy.
we don't know yet but-"

my mouth went dry and i had drowned her voice out. my mother would scold me later for it but i stand up and walk out without another word.

i don't know what to feel. scared? sad? i've gotten through the sickness before and i can do it again yet i feel defeated.
as i buckle my seatbelt in my car the only thing i can do is call billie. i wouldn't tell her, no, i just needed someone.

she answers on the second ring, "hi pretty girl" billie says, "let me see your face."

i set it up in my cup holder as i begin my drive to her house. "what's wrong" she says reading my face almost immediately. what do i say? i don't know why i could not just tell billie. why i could not just be honest with her— she is my girlfriend now but i don't know.
something about receiving sympathy made me crazy.

"nothing, can i come over," i asked, billie smiles "you don't need to ask."

i smile only slightly.
-
i enter billies room, taking off my shoes before slumping into her comforter. her bed is so much nicer than mine.
billie cuddles me, caressing my entire body as if i was velvet. "what's wrong baby" her voice is so refreshing that it's almost as if i'm being cured right here at this moment.

when she ask that question, i don't know what to do. all i do is cry.
i have no time to think as the tears flood out of my eyes. i've never shed a single tear in front of anyone yet here i am. and although i knew billie would not be judgmental of me, i still feel exposed and naked.

"dawn" billie says putting my head into her chest "why are you crying?"

all i do is sob. that's all i really can do as she asks me if it's okay for the second time. i feel disgusted with myself. i feel like i did when i was a child; alone and distraught. i didn't know why i wasn't allowed to be like everyone else, i didn't know why i wasn't able to simply live without every medication in the fucking world.

i knew my destiny was to die a horrible slow death, to perish day by day until i was completely nothing but i'm hoping, simply begging for my destiny to be rerouted.

"i can't tell you why i'm crying," i say to her, "i want to but i can't because i don't want you to worry.
but i feel like— like my life will never be how i want it" my words trail.
i wasn't supposed to make it this long, it's not a secret. so i wasn't prepared, but i've gotten my life together recently. i felt as if i belonged, and not simply just a prisoner to the thing that was killing me.

i mean i have a job now, i can get out of bed— i have a girlfriend!

why must it be taken away?

"i am nothing more than a mistake billie. i am a glitch in the world—- and unidentified malfunction, and that's all i'll ever be."

billie clutched me tighter before lifting my head to look at her. she held the side of my face, wiping my tears with her thumbs before saying "no you're not."

"you're just where you need to be dawn. what would make you say something like that? you're so perfect, beautiful, and you're not a malfunction."
billie smiles slightly, as i say "you're just saying that because you're my girlfriend. girlfriends are supposed to say those things."

she chuckles "no dawn i'm saying that because i mean it. i knew you were perfect the day i saw you, i could tell just how beautiful you were inside and out simply because of your eyes love.
i don't like when you say things like that baby, you're perfect."

i nod.

i stare at billie. she was so beautiful. so beautiful. it's clicking in my mind that i'm hers, that i get the experience of love for at least a little while.

looking at her has given me the decision to prepare myself, to not be surprised when death knocks from the inside of my body.

and when my time finally comes, maybe i'd be ready? because like i said before this time feels incredibly different as if i will not get lucky for the third time around.
i had been dodging the grim reaper for many long crucial years, perhaps he has finally caught up to me.

1113 words