ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

happy endings and hope

trigger warning; seizures

march 30

omniscient

when dawn awoke the first thing she was able to comprehend was the undeniable banging in her right leg. so she furrowed her eyebrows and groaned as she moved to get up to get her meds yet failed as her body hit the floor.

"fuck" is what she mumbled as she now lay stuck on the ground, billie who was sleeping next to her awoke from the commotion and was quickly over dawn asking her what happened but dawn didn't know.

she didn't understand what was happening as she couldn't even move her bottom half. "everything hurts" is all she could think as she took it upon herself to lean on the wall slightly.

"billie" dawn had whined, "it hurts, im scared."

"dawn," billie says again "what hurts? you have to tell me so i can call someone!"

billie grew frightened as dawn looked pale everywhere but her leg, so she called someone even though dawn didn't want her to.

she didn't want to go inside an ambulance, she didn't want to go inside a hospital room, she didn't want to be near the cleanliness and white walls because she knew that would drive her to the edge.

she broke into tears and gasped for air as dawn fought to breathe because everything was unfolding too fast for her to handle.
her ears rang like a siren as dawn jerked, and her body trembled violently, making it impossible for her to even try to comprehend what billie was saying.

what billie hadn't known is that dawn had been skipping her medication for at least two days now.
she was lying in bed those entire two days with no food or water as well which was only causing her body to shut down even faster.

billie was panicking, yelling the words "fuck" and "shit" because she truly didn't know what to do.

and when the paramedics arrived billie was relieved.
as two doctors administered medication to dawn one was asking billie questions.
things like "when did she collapse" and "do you know of any past events like these?"

but billie could only answer with "i don't know."

because she was scared, she was worried and all she could focus on was dawn on a stretcher, being pulled out of the front door.
-

dawn

before i opened my eyes i already comprehend where i was. the smell of cleaning supplies clung to my nose almost immediately as my senses began to weirdly hyper-fixate on everything in the room.

the ticking of the clock.
the beeping of the machine.
the sound of breathing next to me.

it was all overwhelming.

i didn't know why i was here— i couldn't remember a thing. what i do remember is the pain in my leg, collapsing on the floor, and billies words "are you okay?"

speaking of billie, i begged to god it wasn't her sitting next to me, as the one thing i prayed for was her not to see me like this; hooked on machines and struggling to even move.

but when soft hands clutch mines i knew that my prayer had not been answered. she mumbled french before kissing my forehead, her thumb stroking the back of my hand.

i open my eyes finally, the light burning my eyes. billie sighs a breath of relief before kissing my hand repeatedly "how do you feel" she asks.

to be honest, i felt like every hard surface had just been thrown at me with millions of force but i wasn't gonna tell billie that because she worries about me too much.

"fine," i say "what happened" my words slur together as if i was a drunk man. 

"dawn baby," she says "you had a seizure— you weren't taking your meds?"

i despise that billies face looked like she had been crying given that it was red and swollen. i hate that i know i made her cry and i hate making her see me in such a state like this.

i can't keep subjecting billie to situations like this; my body's unpredictable nature is dangerous. i can never predict what's wrong or what will happen.
i could fucking die while i'm asleep next to billie. why would i want to put something so traumatizing on someone like her?

"billie," i say weakly, "i think you should spend some time away from me," i say.

billie opens her mouth but says nothing as i continue "i think this is too much, i don't want you to have to take care of me."

"no" was all billie said.

"no," i asked, "you can't say no, that's not how it works."

"well i just did, i don't care how it works" billie lays next to me in the hospital bed when the silence weighs over us.
"hope you don't mind me  getting  in here with you," she says "i'm really tired."

"billie— my love," i say "go home to your bed and get some actual good sleep."

billie simply says "good sleep is when i'm next to you dawn, now please get some rest."

billie kisses my forehead before closing her eyes

id like to think billie was simply a coincidence in my life— a meaningless interaction that turned into something more but god there's no way the woman laying next to me is a coincidence.

i run my hands through her hair, wishing and praying to live long enough to see it turn grey because that's all i want.

and i know there are only two possibilities, i grow old with billie or i don't. naturally, i beg for the thing i want, for the desire to hold billie until i'm grey and old but in life, we don't always get the happy ending.

happy endings are for fairy tales, or for very very lucky people which i am neither.
so for now i will hope, i will hope that i get my beautiful home by the ocean, i'll hope for a set of twins full of life and love,

for now, i will hope to be with billie until the end of time.

1024 words