Wolfgang (BangChan ff)

Ch-20 : Fairytale criticism

Juno: Eww no! The humans made him look disgusting. I like it because I'm always amazed by that little girl's stupidity. Like how tf can you mistake a wolf for your grandma? And what is that wolf? A freaking whale? How can that little red riding hood still be alive in his stomach? This ain't the story of Jonah. Not to mention that woodcutter was so skilled like a surgeon that he perfectly performed a caesarean and got the red riding hood out of that wolf's stomach like a fucking newborn. And that thing was still alive in that wolf's stomach and reunited with her grandma like she didn't just get eaten by a wolf earlier. She got out of the wolf's stomach and proceeded to invite the woodcutter for tea and biscuits with her and her grandma. Didn't she feel traumatized after being eaten by a wolf?

Seungmin: It's a kids' movie.

Juno: No doubt kids end up learning wrong things about life.

Hyunjin: Is she always like this?

He whispered to Yoonmin.

Yoonmin: When she first read about red riding hood her first question was, "why didn't she kick that wolf if she was alive inside his stomach?"

Minho: No no she has a point. I like the way you think Juno.

Changbin: What about Snow white?

Juno: Damn, she's a clean freak.

Hyunjin: What?

Juno: She walked into a random house in a forest and did the fucking chores bruh, according to the movie I watched. I don't do my own house chores. And she fell asleep in a random sketchy looking house in a dark forest. Also imagine living with seven messy men.

Hyunjin: You're living with nine.

Juno: I'm not your maid tho. They agreed to let her stay and in turn she did the chores.

Hyunjin: She had nowhere else to go.

Juno: The others were dwarfs. How did their small cottage have space for her? And the step-mother is also dumb. She made a magical apple instead of just poisoning one. She could turn herself into a hag but couldn't even poison a dumb girl. Like she was planning to kill her anyway then why leave such poor work? And why would that princess eat a magical apple without knowing the consequences? Like have you not heard of terms and conditions policy? Princesses got no trust issues at all.

Hyunjin: Not everyone has trust issues Juno.

Yoonmin: I know right. It's just you, Juno.

Juno: I- Well, for someone who is wanted dead she should atleast try to be safe.

Jisung: Damn, you're right.

Jeongin: What about sleeping beauty?

Juno: That's a story I like but the ending is not quite satisfactory.

Seungmin: She was cursed by a witch who wasn't invited to her birthday party!

Jeongin: You like the fact that the witch cursed her?

Juno: Imagine going somewhere to give them blessings and they say in front of everyone that you're not invited. I can't put you under a curse but I would definitely curse you if that happened-

Yoonmin: You curse on a normal basis Juno.

Felix: I love the pettiness.

Jisung: What's wrong with the ending though?

Juno: Why the fuck did that guy kiss an almost dead person?

Hyunjin: He was a prince. He had to break the spell.

Juno: I don't care. If I'm sleeping and someone wakes me up from the deep sleep imma be pissed.

Seungmin: I'll agree here, I can't kiss someone who didn't brush their teeth for a long time.

Jisung: You just wouldn't kiss anyone who didn't brush their teeth.

Seungmin: Point.

Juno: I would say they brought it upon themselves. Because they first humiliate her by telling her that she is not wanted and when she leaves voluntarily the queen decides to be "considerate" and asks her if she's OfFeNdEd. Like wtf? All I can see is Maleficent being an absolute savage by bestowing her gift. Like you don't wanna invite her but you want the gift? Rude!

Jeongin: Everything that you're saying makes so much sense.

Felix: Do you like Frozen?

Juno: OMG I LOVE FROZEN!

Felix: OMG ME TOO!

Minho: Into the ALONEEEE!!!

Seungmin: It's UNKNOWN!

Juno: Who's your favorite?

Felix: Elsa!

Juno: Mine is OLAF! I love that guy!

Hyunjin: He's a snowman.

Juno: Yet, he has a better personality than yours.

Minho: Boom! Roasted!

Hyunjin: Oh please! You thought Olaf was made of marshmallows.

You all whipped your heads towards Minho while eating.

Minho: What? He looks more like a few marshmallows on top of each other rather than a snowman.

Juno: Now that you say it, I see it.

Minho: I know right!

Hyunjin: I don't get you guys.

Juno: I bet you don't get any girls either, Hyunjin.

Everyone snickered.

Hyunjin: Oh please, you're talking about the Hwang Hyunjin.

Juno: Exactly!

He gave you his disgusted side glance.

Juno: Hahaha, just kidding!

Hyunjin: You better be.

Juno: Are you threatening me?

Hyunjin: N-No, not at all.

Changbin: What about Cinderella? The classic?

Juno: For starters, her name wasn't even Cinderella. She was called Cinderella by her step-sisters to mock her because she slept by the cinders(fireplace). Also... Love at first sight, sounds really unrealistic. You can have a crush when you see someone but love is a bond and deep connection that you develop over time. Also, a fairy godmother appears out of thin air and what does that doofus ask for? To go to the ball! Like bitch you could've asked for... expensive food? Atleast not socialising.

Felix: The way you spit every word with pure spite.

Minho: You're actually a nerd. I always thought Cinderella was just some other name.

Juno: I was just curious.

Jeongin: But you're right. It would be great if the stories didn't have so many loopholes along with the princesses making dumb choices that you absolutely cannot implement in real life.

Seungmin: I know a queen but she is completely different from these princesses.

Juno: Who?

Seungmin: She's a bit dumb in her own unique way and oblivious but weirdly rational.

Juno: Sounds like she's a cool queen. Completely my type if a movie was made on her.

*everyone slapping their foreheads in the background*

Jisung: He did mention oblivious.

Felix: Well then, what's your favorite Disney princess or kids' movie?