Are You Sure? (Marina)

Forty-Four.

Carina

This time felt worse. My head felt jumbled all the time and since Maya wasn't sleeping in our bed, I was staying up most of nights beating myself up about the last couple of days. I'd spend those hours working my steps again, day 10 again.

One was easy to admit but it was the step that broke my ego to say every time. My eyes sat on the ceiling as I muttered it to myself when the raging guilt made me antsy. Two was hard, Hope, still I recited the serenity prayer and tried to find the strength in myself even when I spent more days over a toilet bowl than up straight. Three, Surrender, let whatever powers that be guide me for I cannot control everything. Four and five went hand in hand. What I did was beyond wrong, the lies... the disappearing... the hurt, I was guilty of it all. I was stuck on six but the steps didn't have to be completed in order.

So I move to eight, Amends, and there was no one I owed one to more than Maya. I'd fractured the foundation we stood on and I worried it wouldn't hold. We went from being inseparable whenever we were in the same room, to her walking the eggshells and me too stuck in my head to reach out. We had been waiting for Andrea to come over and Maya took the opportunity to hop on the treadmill and run, her head was probably a safer place than I was right now. I heard every thump and I wished more than anything I could take back the last few days, the 3 months of sobriety I threw away.

While she ran, I tried to read, but I couldn't shut my mind up. Maybe what I needed was to talk to my therapist again, but how would Maya feel knowing I'd feel more comfortable talking to someone other than her.

In reality I was running from the fear that Maya would leave. Those thoughts suffocated me. Maybe Maya felt like she had to be with me. She wasn't raised to be a quitter, and I'd witnessed her admirable strength day in day out. What if she felt an obligation to stick it out because she loved me? I turned on the couch to face her, eyeing her concentrated face, her beautifully serious face that reminded me of my wrongdoings. The guilt was killing me, she didn't deserve any of this.

The guilt made the back of my neck itchy, it made my skin crawl. I needed to talk. There was still so much I needed to get off my chest but there was a fear she'd hate me more, if not yet she surely would after I told her everything. She had every right. Might as well hate me now. "Maya?" I didn't deserve her kindness after all I'd done.

She had her earphones in but she must have seen my mouth move and she took one out, keeping her eyes ahead of her. Eyes forward. "Yeah?"

"Do you hate me?" She furrowed her brows confused, but I looked at her sincerely. I needed to know.

"What!?" She looked my way and tripped. I shot off the couch as she caught herself in time to not fall.

"Shit, sorry! I shouldn't have ask you while you're running." I said grabbing her arms to keep her from toppling over.

"That shouldn't even be a question in your mind." She said steadying herself, her eyes met mine and I felt a wave I hadn't felt in days. My heart was beating in my chest and I had to part my lips to bring more air into my warm body. Her eyes momentarily fell to my lips and I knew she felt it too, that pull. She stood up and let go of me, moving to turn off the treadmill still going. "No."

"What?" I said swallowing the desire making me salivate as my eyes fell to her backside, all of which was held snug by her tights. She turned catching my eyes and she went a shade of red darker than she had already been from the running. Tension seemed to follow whenever we were within six feet of each other, it never bothered me until it seemed to be the only thing I could feel. Today, however, we pushed a crack into the dam when I held Maya's hand and she kissed my skin.