Are You Sure? (Marina)

Fifty-Seven.

Maya

"You want to do this today? Are you-"

"Carina if I don't this today, I won't be able to send him off. Just- okay?" I pulled her into the hospital room and she let go of me to remain in the corner. It must be her way of giving me space while also staying close by.

The ring spun around my finger as I looked at the man in the bed. He was turned facing me and and I could tell he'd need another shave soon. What do you tell a man who abused you and called it love to wake up?

With hesitancy I walked up closer and decided on the one thing we could always talk about, "Hi Dad. It's umm Maya. I went for a run the other day and got my time back under 35...

We need as close to 30 as we can get. That's for the gold kiddo!

"It's not where it should be and I know what you say about keeping my strides neat, but it's hard when it's not an actual track...

We can drive down to the beach and make you run it in the sand, then you can run it anywhere!

"I know, I know- it's an excuse."

His words engrained in my memory surfaced, I tried to find kind words to push away the strange guilt I felt wrapping around me, to try and comfort myself. Hoping to find all the atta girls he's given me, the pats on the shoulder, the hugs when I won a race. The lift onto his shoulder when I won the Olympics.

I love you kid, so proud of you!

My hands felt shaky as the good memories made this hurt so much more, the guilt to heavy. Then I looked at him again through my watery eyes and remembered the yelling, the finger in my face, the harsh words as I puked on the track or in the grass after training sessions. Somehow it never being enough. The guilt turned to frustration.

The pale blue look of his eyes as they pierced into me, somehow always showing all his disappointment when I didn't beat my times. Those blue eyes that followed me now hidden behind his eyelids. Memories flooded my mind as I willed them to open and make this state of limbo end. Let everyone move on or do something!

Frustration turned to anger as I thought of all the long walks home, sometimes in the rain. The dishes breaking against the wall that startled my mother and made Mason cover his head with his hands. All while I stared at him unflinching, only to provoke him further.

The guilt mixed with the anger and a growing disdain for myself for all the years I watched his moves, his behaviors, his ticks, adapting my attitude and decorum to fit his standards. Until I was who he wanted me to be— WHAT he wanted me to be.

Everything I've had to try to undo and find the balance for because he'd somehow manipulated my brain to think it's what I wanted to. Only Lane could do so much wrong yet still provoke the urge to cry and ask for him back. To be my dad. To let me win for him and tell me I was good enough. To love me.

Anger, rage, pity, fear, guilt, sadness and a subtle hint of nausea brewed inside me. All those feeling swirled in my being and I clenched my fist together. Was it possible to hate and love someone? To miss and be scared of someone...

WAKE UP! I willed him...

He didn't, I turned to leave only to see Carina looking at me cautiously. Her eyes reading me and I willed her to stop analyzing me.

Her eyes filled with so much warmth and a part of me couldn't take it because I'd done a shit of earning it lately, I closed my eyes before turning back.

"No. You know what, I'm not going to stand here and pretend we are having a regular conversation. YOU need to get up. Unless you're too proud to wake up and smell the fucking roses of the chaos YOU'VE caused!?" I stood up straight and started powering over as I iced out everything in my body. "This is your way huh!? To keep picking at us? To keep us on your beck and call, doing everything YOU want!?"