Tease Me, Bella Beatrice

45:

Apparently, what she said is right. Matagal pa pala talaga ang shooting nila. Hindi ko naisip na marami rin palang proseso iyon at nandito na ako simula pa kanina. I was waiting for her for so damn long at madilim na. Wala pa naman akong dalang laptop to kill my time. All I have right now with me is my phone. Wala naman akong magawa kung hindi ang maghintay nang tahimik. Hindi ako puwedeng bumalik doon na parang wala lang tapos babalik na naman dito kaya naman nakatitig na lang ako sa hindi kalayuan.

The calmness of the sea, the smell of the wind, and the rough sand on my heels are all complimenting my thoughts and mood. Pati nga ang pawala nang sikat ng araw dahil lumubog na ito ay tamang-tama sa nararamdaman ko. Maybe this is a sign that I need to let go of that beautiful nostalgia, suffer in darkness for a little while, to deserve a new and better sunshine. A sunshine that its every ray of light will heal me and make my world happier.

I need to let go of my hopes, my wishful thinking, non-rational love, and everything else to be able to hold hands with my home again. To be able to feel home with myself first after years.

Bumibigat na naman ang pakiramdam ko. All the tension, the fake scenarios I am creating inside my mind, the twelve different flow of conversations I will have with Bella is slowly weighing heavy to me. The fact that it must be and should be the last talk that we'll talk about us, heart to heart, is adding loads and loads of heaviness inside of me. Gusto ko na agad sumuko at magback out sa usapang hindi pa nga nagaganap. Wala, e. Nakakapagod maging mahina. Nakakawalang ganang isiping kailangan ko 'tong gawin para sa ikabubuti ko at sa ikabubuti namin ni Gigi.

"Hi."

Marahan akong napalingon nang marinig ko ang boses ni Bella mayamaya. She is meters away from me and is straightly looking at my eyes. May dala siyang maliit na ilaw na hawak-hawak niya. Mukhang hindi pa rin siya nagpapalit ng damit at dumiretso kaagad dito. Now, with her dress on and that lantern, she looks like a real-life fairy.

"Sorry medyo nalate." She said as she walks towards my direction. "Kanina ka pa ba naghihintay?"

"No. Hindi naman." Sa wakas ay sambit ko pero ang totoo ay kanina pa talaga. "You came just on time."

"I always do. Ikaw din naman." She smiled.

Napabuntong-hininga naman ako. It's not an innocent response. One way to open this conversation that I will not like in the long run. Gayunpaman ay hindi ko na lang iyon pinansin. I heaved a deep sigh and then calmed myself more. Nakita ko namang nahalata niya ang mood ng paligid kaya naman nanahimik na rin siya. Hinihintay na lang din niyang magsalita ako at sabihin ang dapat.

"Look, Bella," I started calmly. "We cannot add chapters to our story the way you want it to. Our story ended three years ago. Sabihin na lang natin na ilang pahina at ilang aral lang iyong papel natin sa buhay ng isa't isa. Let's please don't make it harder for the both of us. Palayain na natin 'yong nonsense nating feelings, Bella."

Katahimikan ang bumalot sa amin parehas nang matapos kong sabihin iyon. She did not react nor said a single thing. Naroon lang siya at nakatayo sa harapan ko. Mayamaya pa ay inilapag niya sa buhangin nang maayos ang lampara tapos naupo rin sa hindi kalayuan noon. She is now facing the sea and not looking at me. It is as if she is intentionally ignoring me.