Tease Me, Bella Beatrice

46:

Para akong nabingi sa narinig ko. Dumagundong ang katahimikan na para bang binubugbog ang tainga ko. I couldn't speak. I couldn't function well from all that I am hearing. Nakatitig lang ako kay Bella na ngayon ay umiiyak nang tahimik. Paulit-ulit akong umiiling-iling habang nakikita ko 'yong pinakamasakit na luhang bumabagsak sa mga mata niya.

"Before we broke up, remember the night I needed to go back home? Magkaaway tayo noon tapos hindi ako nagpaalam na uuwi ako. I was mad at you for no reason at all and I do not even know why. Pregnancy hormones pala 'yon." She continued making her best to speak clearly. "Dumaan muna ako no'n sa bar kasi galit na galit ako. Uminom ako. Long story short, I was tipsy. Uuwi na ako noon. Tatawagan na sana kita. I was already dialing your number to call you and pick me up and say sorry kaso hindi ko alam na may naglagay ng kung ano sa inumin ko. Hindi ko napindot 'yong call button kasi may humawak na kamay sa akin. I was raped by two drunk men that night."

"Putangina, Bella." Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Napasabunot na lang ako sa sarili ko at mas lalo na lang napaiyak. Ang bigat. Ang sakit. "B-bakit ngayon mo lang sinasabi sa akin 'to?"

"I woke up at a hospital that same day. Si Rhian ang nandoon kasi siya ang guardian ko that time. Siya rin ang nagsabi sa akin ng nangyari. Na ayon nga na-rape ako. Na nawala na 'yong baby natin."

Tangina. Tangina. Tama na 'yong sakit, please.

"The same day I should be celebrating the announcement that I finally have our baby inside of me is the same exact day I got to hear the news of it being gone. Muntik na akong mabaliw noong araw na 'yon. Sobrang diring-diri ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yong sasabihin mo at 'yong magiging reaksyon mo knowing some men have used me and touched me-"

"It will not matter to me!"

"I don't want you to feel ashamed!"

"You know goddamn well I will protect you, Bella! You know for sure I will fucking kill those guys the second you told me what they did to you. You know for sure na tatanggapin kita nang buong-buo kung sinabi mo sa akin lahat noon kaagad dahil hindi ka naman nabawasan. You are still my woman worthy of my love. You're making me feel so useless, Bella. Tangina naman. What really is in your mind?"

"Natakot lang naman ako, Pierce! Hindi mo kasi deserve ng babaeng ginamit at nakuha ng iba that easy-"

"Buo ka pa rin. Walang nabawas sa paningin ko. Alam na alam mong maiintindihan ko pero putangina." I literally had the most painful laugh. "Putangina!"

"Sorry. I'm sorry, Pierce. Wala akong lakas ng loob na sabihin sa'yo because I feel guilt and trauma. I told myself it's better to shut up than to tell you our child got loss because I was raped due to my nonsense hormones that night-"

"You didn't trust me enough to tell me your most traumatic experience, Bella. I could have saved you. I should have been there. You should have said it to me para alam ko-"

"I thought I told you enough. My silent begging."

Halos sabunutan ko na ang sarili ko dahil sa hindi maipaliwanag na emosyon. Punong-puno at nag-uumpaw na iyong puso ko at sasabog na.