More Than a Soldier

Chapter 22 - The Real Hero

Y/n's POV:

Since Jimmy was brought home, things have seemed to have sped up. I've been helping to arrange the funeral with Missy and do as much as I can from the military side. It's been difficult, as I'm still trying to spend time with Scarlett and Ava where I can. I've only been back a couple of weeks and I feel like I've not had the chance to make up for the time apart we've had. But going out and doing lots of things hasn't felt right. We've ended up doing a lot of movie and games nights along with visits to the park or zoo.

Having something to focus on, has helped me to stay busy. But I'm worried that once all this stops, that I'm going to break. It's a constant battle each day to try and not break down. I'm exhausted in more ways than one. Then add on top of that, the guilt I feel that this isn't what Scarlett or Ava were expected when I came home, it's all just a bit much at the moment.

The funeral is in four days, and I'm scared. Scared of life after we've had to say goodbye. Scared of a life without him in it and scared of if my mental state is strong enough to get me through. I barely made it when we lost Dicky. I can't go back there again.

Scarlett has been amazing. I can see that she feels like she's helpless, but she is helping me by just being there. The comfort that she gives me is everything that I need. Just knowing that she's there means the world to me, and I know she'll catch me when I fall.

Mum and dad have also been trying to do as much as they can. Mum has been cooking us lots of meals, something that none of us are complaining about. Her food is almost as good as Lizzie's! Dad's doing what he always does, trying to make things as easy as possible for Ava and me. I can tell that it has affected him more than I would have expected. When I spoke to him about it, he said that he owed Jimmy so much. That he was so grateful for the fact that he had been there for me over the last fourteen years. Being a father figure for me before he was able to take over.

Ava has really struggled. She's not the bubbly little girl she normally is and that's hard to see. I can also see that this is impacting Scarlett too. The both of us are a little lost at the moment and unfortunately the only thing that is going to make things better is time. But again, she is doing an amazing job at being there for Ava. We've spent a lot of time in family cuddles on the sofa or in bed. Ava is having a few more nightmares recently and often finds her way into our room for comfort.

She still visits her therapist once a month after the shooting earlier in the year. Her next appointment is two days after the funeral, so I hope that it's going to help her process this. Those sessions really helped her to come to terms with what happened in the park that day. I just hope they can help her to come to terms with the loss of Jimmy.

Sophie has been spending more time with us. She's coping a lot better than we have, but she's been craving the interaction with us. She's also been helping with Missy, arranging the food for the wake. She's kindly offered to close the café for the day and have it there. Her and Hannah will be sorting out all of the food and cakes. It's one less thing for Missy to worry about. Jimmy was incredibly proud of what Sophie had achieved here and loved her café, so it seems like the perfect place for us to get together to celebrate his life.

After dropping Ava at school this morning, Scarlett and I have come home to spend some time together. We've not had much time with just the two of us and she starts back to work a few days after the funeral, so I want to cherish the time that I have with her.

One thing that has really stuck with me is the fact it could have been me. Scarlett has been watching Missy go through something that very nearly could have been her. So, I want to show her that although I'm not always completely present and, in the room, I am always with her. I'm just a little lost at times.