L:
The first couple of weeks are rough, I won't lie. We argue about almost everything there is to argue about and that's not an over exaggeration- it's the truth.
She doesn't like the way I hold the babies, the way I rock them in the chair, the way I fed them a bottle, and I swear, if she could, she would complain about the way I'm breathing.
When we were in the hospital, her doctor told me that she would be a little edgy, and I shouldn't get angry with her, but it's ridiculous.
I'm trying, I really am, but it's hard. I have only snapped once, and then she cried for hours... I'll never make that mistake again.
But other than that, everything is perfectly fine. We have a system through the night- she feeds Lena and I make a bottle and feed Hudson. It works out well, and it's almost simple. But the only awkward thing about all of this is the fact that Stevie puts pillows in between us every night.... It's weird, but it just adds to my concern that she isn't actually taking her medication.
~~~
"She's in a mood... I warn you." Lori has been hanging out here during the day, since I'm back at work and everyone else went back home.
It's been hard being away all day, but knowing that Lori is here to help Stevie is really reassuring. I think anyone would struggle with two infants, but I would never tell Stevie that. She would assume that I was insinuating that she isn't fit enough, or something crazy like that. And I'm not saying that she's crazy, because she isn't. This is not her fault, not even in the slightest.
"Thank you," I chuckle, sliding out of my shoes before I trail through the foyer.
I smile lightly at the sight of her, sprawled out on the living room floor with both babies. Hudson is fast asleep, but Lena is laying on her mothers chest, pulling on her curls lightly. It's perfect- it really is... but it isn't easy. This whole situation just isn't simple, yet it's worth it.
For me, there is no doubt in my mind that I love Stevie... Hell, I might be in love with her, but it's too hard. She makes it far too difficult to start a relationship beyond co-parenting and I really don't understand why.
"Look at all my cuties," I smirk, bending down to be at their level.
"Did you have a good day?" She looks over at me, a soft smile on her gorgeous face.
She might have little bags under her eyes, and her hair might have some stale milk dried in it, but she's still so beautiful... I wish she would believe that.
"I had a good day," I nod my head, carefully taking Hudson in my arms. He's a sleeper, which is odd considering Lena is so much smaller, but always wide awake... "How was your day?" I lean forward, lightly kissing the top of her head.
"It was alright," her eyes fall towards Helena as she allows her nails to slowly and gently graze her back.
I bite down on the inside of my cheek, sad that it wasn't good. "How about we go out to dinner tonight... Just the two of us." I think she needs to get out of this house for a little while... I can't remember the last time she left.
"I really don't feel like it tonight." She shakes her head slowly, eyes still on Lena. "Maybe I'll make dinner instead, so we don't have to leave the babies." She adds, a sigh escaping her.
~~~
S:
Lindsey and I don't end up having an actual cooked meal, only because after I had said it- I didn't want to do it anymore.
I really don't know why, but I can't shake whatever this is. It's like I'm constantly sad, even though I'm not. I'm so thrilled to have two beautiful children, but it's like I'm obsessed. I can't find it in my heart to leave them with anyone that isn't me and I know that drives Lindsey nuts, but I can't help it. I know that when I have them, they're safe... They're safe with their father as well, but I can't stop worrying.
"Have you been taking your medicine?" Lindsey asks in a sympathetic tone as he pulls back the comforter to crawl into bed.
Letting out a huff, my jaw settles. "Yes, I have been taking that stupid shit." I have, but it all just pisses me off.
At first I didn't think I was depressed, but when I started crying in the shower, and getting mad at everyone and everything- I knew something was wrong.
I had never had postpartum depression with either of the girls, which is why I don't think I know how to handle this. My doctor told me that it was most likely from having them so early and so abrupt- now I'm attached at a different level.
I don't know, but whatever the issue is- it's bad.
"I just want to make sure that you're okay, Steph." He really looks genuine, but at the same time- I think he just thinks I'm crazy.
He doesn't understand what I'm going through, so he can't judge me.
"I'm fine, okay? I'm going to bed, Lindsey." I whisper, eyes closing forcefully.
He sighs as he crawls in on the other side of all the pillows that I have lined up.
~~~
I quickly throw my legs over the edge of the bed, hurrying toward Lena's crib. She's wailing unlike anything I've ever heard. She's so loud, so angry and I immediately don't know what to do.
"Lindsey?" I mumble, tears filling my eyes as I try to pick her up, but I don't know how.
She's squirming around and kicking- I don't even know how to get her out.
"Here, baby." He's half asleep, reaching down carefully to take Helena in his arms. "It's okay, baby girl." He whispers, bouncing her up and down slowly.
He's so good with them, he really is and I'm not. I feel like a bad mother... I really do.
"Is she okay?" My tears are falling almost as heavily as hers as I glance over his shoulder to see my baby.
"Shh," he rocks her back and forth, kissing her head here and there to sooth her. And he does- within only minutes she's completely quiet. "There, she's alright." He sighs, setting her back down in her bassinet. "It's okay." He repeats, moving back to his side of the bed.
I fall onto the edge, heart racing a mile a minute. "I'm sorry," I mumble, disappointed in myself more than anything.
"Hey, come here." His hands fall on my shoulders, gently pulling me back up the bed. "It's okay, Stevie. It's gonna be alright," he wraps me in his arms, leaning back against the headboard to hold me. "We are going to get through this- I promise."
