S:
"Hello, my Prince Charming." I give him a big smile, softly tickling his tummy. "Good morning...." I add, watching as he squirms around lightly.
He's lying right in front of me, smiling and giggling like always. He's a happy boy with big blue eyes, light colored hair and cheeks like a chipmunk. He's everything I've ever wanted for a little boy- sweet, full of giggles and always so calm.
"And you, my girl." I giggle quietly, looking over at Helena. "You must be a tired little baby," I whisper, index finger trailing along her beautiful little face.
She looks like her father- just like him and I love that. But her eyes did change from that blue to a chocolate brown, which fits with all of her features so well. She's just so perfect, she really is.
The sound of footsteps moving down the hallway causes me to look up, a small smile dancing across my face when I see Lori standing in the doorway. "Happy birthday!" She's holding a small cake, a single candle flickering at the top.
"Oh, Lori," I toss my head back, letting out a soft laugh as she moves through the room.
"Fifty years of your wonderful presence here on this earth, baby." She smiles wide, coming towards my bed.
"You're too sweet," I think she's the greatest person I really have in my life- I actually adore her.
She knows I've had a hard couple of weeks, especially with this new turning point in my life. I've heard fifty is an ugly number and I believe that. I've been dreading this day for awhile now and not just because I'm kissing my forty's goodbye.
It's difficult to grasp the fact that my entire youth is behind me- I'm not young anymore. I'm old... or at least, most days I feel old and I worry it's just going to get worse as these babies continue to grow.
"Blow this out, dear." She slides into bed next to me, and I immediately do as asked. "There! Now you're officially the birthday girl." She adds, holding up the two forks she brought with her.
I let out a loud laugh as she hands me one, which wakes Helena up right away. She starts looking around the room, little hands reaching out for someone to hold her as she makes baby noises.
"Oh, hold your horses." Lori tells Lena, shaking her head softly. "Give the woman a break." She adds in a joking manner.
Lori and I sit in my bed, eating cake and holding my babies for a few hours, so we can catch up.
She's had a busy couple of weeks, but she agreed to come watch the babies while Lindsey and I got out to dinner for my birthday. I have never left them with anyone besides Lindsey and that's only been a few times while I had run to get coffee, or... yea, just coffee. And I always went through the drive through to make it as quick as possible.
But with the encouragement of my therapist, I am opening up to the idea of allowing extra help in.
At first it wasn't that I didn't want support, instead I was too scared of it. Postpartum depression is different for every woman- some get frustrated when the baby cries, some don't know why they're crying, some women have a fear of being alone with their baby, but I have anxiety about being away from mine.
The world is a scary place... a very destructive, unfair, ugly place and I don't want my children to be thrown into the arms of someone who isn't deserving.
I don't know if it's the fact that I've watched far too many crime shows to know that we don't live in a safe place, or maybe I'm just horrified because my love for these babies spans a million miles. I don't know, but I'm slowly getting there.
"What are you guys doing tonight?" She sets the rest of the cake on the nightstand before she carefully picks Helena up.
"I think we're going out to dinner and then we might have a couple of drinks after." I haven't been out for awhile, and Lindsey told me that he wanted to do something special... so I figured surviving fifty years is one hell of a reason to celebrate.
"It's almost four o'clock," she ponders, pushing my arm lightly. "Get your act together- you don't have much time."
Rolling my eyes playfully, I climb out of bed, making sure Hudson is secure on his baby pillow thing. "What should I wear?" I ask, lingering towards my closet.
"Something red... something cute." She replies, and I can almost hear her smirking.
"Oh, stop." I chuckle, scanning my closet for something red.
I've decided that I'm going to try and open my heart to him. It's not that I want a serious relationship, but I do want a more comfortable foundation. The last couple of weeks have been rough, but he's really proven to me that he's a genuine guy. And I like that, a lot.
I spend the next few hours getting around. I dry and curl my hair into loose ringlets, pinning them back a tad. Then I sit at my vanity, listening to Helena babble with Lori as I put on my makeup.
Once I slide into the deep red dress that hangs tight around my hips, I actually feel beautiful. I haven't felt so great in a while, so I think I needed this. I needed to remind myself that I'm more than just a middle aged mother with wild hair, no makeup and puke on all my clothes- I'm still a person beyond motherhood.
"You look stunning, Stevie." Lori's still in my bed, lying on her side to look at Helena.
"Thank you, hun." I let out a shy giggle as I push my earring through my earlobes.
I feel confident, but to have someone else tell me is still a little too unbelievable.
"He should be here any second, so go down there." She winks, motioning towards the door.
"I'll see you all later," I go towards the bed, kissing all three of their heads before I leave the room.
Once I get downstairs, I sit in the living room, watching out the window for him. I sit there for awhile, staring at the clock and then back towards the glass to see if he's here yet...
~~~
L:
Stepping through the front door, I kick my shoes off quickly. Carrying the flowers and the gift bag, I try to dash up the stairs, but the sound of her throat clearing causes me to pause. I turn around slowly, eyes soft when I see her. She's in this gorgeous red dress, long hair pulled back perfectly. She looks incredible... so incredible.
"I'm really-"
"This is embarrassing, Lindsey." She's biting on her bottom lip, tears right on the brims of her brown orbs.
"Stevie, I am so sorry." I shake my head, wishing I could just pull her into my arms and make things right. "I got stuck in the office. It was an emergency and I wasn't able to call-" I start rambling on, but it's all the truth.
"You're four hours late." She cuts me off, shaking her head in disbelief. "I've been sitting here, waiting for you all night." Stevie adds, the tears finally streaming down her cheeks.
My heart sinks into the very pit of my stomach, and I let out a deep sigh. "Stevie, I-"'
"There are blankets in the hallway closet..."'she mumbles, obviously not interest in listening and I don't blame her. "You can sleep on the couch tonight." Her chest is rising and falling pretty quick, so I know she's mad... she's really mad. "Unless you want to just go back to your condo. I could really care less at this point."
