Looking up at my bedroom ceiling, I can't help but think about my previous pregnancies.
Nineteen years ago when I found out I was having Bridget, I was thrilled, but still worried. I was on the cusp of thirty, and I thought that was old. I remember this feeling of pure fear, but also true happiness. I couldn't wait to have Bridget, just like I couldn't wait to have Betsy... it felt like our family would be complete. I had the two perfect daughters and a great husband. I thought it was perfect.
I'm sad to say that I can wait to have this baby.
I want to be excited, I really do, but I can't. There are a million things that could go wrong, and while I know I would give my own life for this child... I'm still scared. I want a healthy, happy baby, but at my age- I can't even imagine it. I can not imagine bringing another sweet, innocent soul into this crazy, ugly, sometimes thrilling world.
"Mom?" Betsy's knuckles meet my bedroom door, which causes me to sigh heavily.
"Come in," I mumble, eyes still plastered to white paint above me.
She trails through the room, falling on the edge of the bed softly. "Have you talked to your doctor? I know you had to have, and I think you're not telling me something." She wants me to tell her that I'm fine, I know she does, but then if I tell her the truth... She'll probably wish I wasn't.
She doesn't want me to have a baby, no one does. It's like God is laughing at me for letting booze and passion over power my common sense I've ever had.
"Betsy, I'm fine. I'm not sick." I hold up my hand, and close my eyes as my head hits the headboard lightly.
I'm so tired of this bullshit, even though I know she really cares. She wants the best, but I can't tell her and she doesn't get that... But she will, because I can't hide this forever.
Eventually a baby will show up and that'd be impossible to keep secret.
"I'm just worried about you." She's always worried about everything, all the time.
She worries about the birds, the bees, the school funding, the crossing guard if they've missed two days in row... you name it, she will worry about it. She needs not to worry about me at the moment, because I can't handle it.
"Well, don't." I don't mean to sound so harsh, but I don't want to be treated like some elderly woman, because I'm not... I mean, I'm carrying a kid- I'm still young.
"I won't then," she shrugs, almost as annoyed with me as I am with her. "Do you want to go to lunch?" Her hand slowly falls on mine as her eyes fill with sympathy, which makes me want to scream.
Looking over at the alarm clock on my nightstand, I shake my head slowly. "I can't today, dear. But maybe a rain check?" It's not that I don't want to hang out with my girl, but I don't have time.
Lori will be here any minute to go with me to my doctors appointment, and she can't know that.
"Okay, mom." She gives me a half smile and I know she isn't mad.
She knows I don't mean most of the things I say and I'm definitely never purposefully hateful, except for when it comes to her father.
Once she stands to head back to the door, I pipe up. "Your sister might want to go to lunch..." I'm not trying to throw them both into some dreadful afternoon with one another, but I wish they could create a friendship within their sisterhood.
She huffs, a small smirk on her face. That reminds me so much of her dad- I wish she wouldn't do that. "Not gonna happen," She chuckles, pulling open my bedroom door to step out into the hallway.
"Of course not." I mumble, tossing my legs over the edge of the bed gently.
The moment I stand up, I feel this tingle in the pit of my stomach, and I know that's never good. So, I spend the next twenty minutes sitting on the bathroom floor, letting go of another sign of pure pregnancy. And this brutal morning sickness isn't all that shocking to me, because with the girls I was sick all the way up until the very end, almost.
"Ugh." I bring my hands up to my head, rubbing my temples slowly as I stare at myself in the mirror.
I look tired already, which just reminds me more of my age. I know, I have to stop thinking about that... but I can't.
"Are you okay?" Bridgets voice causes me to jump.
I turn around quickly, almost stunned that she would even make that stretch all the way down the hall to ensure that I'm okay. She still surprises me sometimes.
"Just partied too hard, that's all." I can't even keep a straight face, but I have to joke with her.
"Good," She nods quickly before she disappears.
Like I said, she would rather run from the monsters instead of facing them.
~~~
It's about an hour later when I find myself laying on my back, staring up at a ceiling that isn't that of my bedroom. The moment my doctor tells me to lift my shirt up, I feel a little self conscious, even though I shouldn't. This is natural, and I have to kept reminding myself of that.
Looking over at Lori, who is smiling like crazy - I actually laugh. I haven't found much humor in any of this, but with help, I'm trying. I'm trying to realize that this is a blessing and not a course.
"Alright, let's see how baby is coming along." My doctor starts applying this cold gel to my lower abdomen, which makes me tense up immediately. "Relax, Stephanie." She chuckles before she sets the little thingy on my tummy.
She starts moving it around, and all three of us turn our attention to the monitor. I don't really understand what I'm supposed to see this early- I didn't know twenty years ago and I don't know now. But then I see something totally weird- something I've never seen before.
Creasing a brow, I slowly push myself up. "What is that?" My heart starts pounding, because I have this sick feeling... I already know.
"Oh my...." Lori's mouth falls open, eyes wide from fear, most likely.
"Well, it appears to be two babies." My doctor clarifies my thoughts, but she has this smile on her face, almost like it's funny.
Before I can even formulate a response, my eyes fill with thick tears. "I'm gonna have two?" I whisper as my entire body starts to shake.
"Yes," She nods her head slowly, still smiling.
"I'm gonna get sick."
