S:
Looking up at the ceiling, I listen to the sound of Hudson's voice. He's telling me all about his day with his daddy and how sad he is that I have to leave tomorrow. He begged me not to go, and of course, that made me feel like the size of an ant.
It's not that I want to leave my children, because I don't, ever. But I need to do things that involve just adults sometimes. It's healthy to have a life outside of the normal motherhood realm.
I can't spend my whole life making frozen dinosaur chicken nuggets and reading bedtime stories... even though that seems pretty simple and almost amazing.
I have to remind myself constantly that there is another part of life- a part that I had been living before I was blessed with the presence of my two angels. It was a life full of friends, wine, Saturday evenings at the bar and Sunday morning hangovers. And even though I'm over that life, I'm not ready to completely say goodbye to something so normal...
So vital in the aging process.
"Why don't you love daddy like you love Vic?" Hudson lets out this sigh- a sigh that I've never heard a child create. It's almost like he feels defeated, which completely breaks my heart.
Lindsey had mentioned, when he dropped them off that Hudson was very curious about our situation. He said he was running out of answers...
"Honey..." I let my eyes close softly, not sure why he's been asking so many questions about his father and I. "I love your daddy very much," I whisper, hoping he'll just close his eyes and fall into a deep sleep.
"I want you to live together, mommy." He looks up at me, curling into my side a little more. "My friends mommy and daddy live together all of the time," he adds as he gently starts to twist my necklace in between two of his fingers.
"Baby, I wish it was that easy." I think it could be that easy if we let it, but Lindsey and I always seem to let something get in the way and that's where we fall apart.
We can't hold a relationship together on just faith, even if we really wish we could.
"Maybe one day..." He trails, eyes falling back towards the television.
"Maybe, baby." I nod my head slowly, almost stunned at how wise both twins are for their age.
It's like they know how disorganized, abnormal and unfair this life seems to be for them and I hate that. I hate that we can't just give them the perfect family.
~~~
L:
It's late Friday evening, after Stevie and I get both kids wrestled into their beds for the evening when we find ourselves in the kitchen. We're moving around one another, pitching empty pizza boxes and pouring out half full cups of juice.
She brought the kids over right after school, because she wanted us to spend a little time together before she leaves. Her flight for Aspen takes off at midnight tonight, so we spent the evening at my house, having dinner and then watching some movie about a dragon. It was nice, yet not nice enough for us to get our shit together and work this out.
I think we both know there's something between us- something that's holding us together and it isn't just two kids. It's more than that.
It's love, it really is.
"I'm gonna miss you," I sigh, hands falling onto the kitchen counter lightly.
"Oh, please." She half laughs as she flows across the kitchen to put the apple juice back into the fridge. "You are not going to miss me, Lindsey." She adds, which causes me to crease a brow.
"How do you know?" I ask in return, watching her slide towards the other side of the counter.
"Because you're going to be far too busy to miss me," one of her hands falls on her hip, slouching to one side lightly. "You won't even have time to think about me."
"I always miss you, Steph." I do, even after we argue over something stupid and childish- I still find myself wishing she was around more often than she is, which is funny considering she's always close.
She's a phone call and ten minute drive away... always.
She slowly trails backwards, leaning into the kitchen counter to cross her arms over her chest. "I'm sure Tammy isn't all that thrilled about you are missing me." Suddenly, all the bubbly, sentimental feelings are completely gone. She sounds cold... really cold.
Rolling my eyes softly, I shake my head in disbelief. She always does this- always. "You're going on a trip with Vic and you're mad at me because of Tammy?" I can't help but chuckle, because that's literally ridiculous.
"I never said that I was mad about Tammy, Lindsey." She shrugs, "But I am mad that you taught Hudson how to grill people." Her eyes are wide- a scary kind of wide."Sitting here, asking Vic what he does for a living?" She adds in a matter of fact tone. "Come on..."
I can't help but scoff as my hands come out to my sides and then fall back down with a thud. "Hey, I can't help it that even my four year old sees right through Vic." I have never, not since she started dating, said anything to the kids about it.
Her relationship isn't my business and telling the kids is the last thing I'd ever do.
"You are the biggest hypocrite in the entire world." She rolls her eyes, hands flying around to get some sort of point across.
"How am I a hypocrite?" Bringing my hand up to my chest, not sure where she's getting this from.
"You make me feel like the worlds worst mother for having a boyfriend- a life outside of those two kids, yet you've had a girlfriend since they were a year old!" She yells, tears on the brims of her eyes.
"I never said you couldn't have a boyfriend, Stevie." I have never said that. In fact, I'm happy she has someone who makes her happy, even though I really wish it was me who could do that for her. "You deserve Vic," I regret that the moment it leaves my mouth, because even I know how sarcastic that sounded.
Here I am, telling her how lucky she is to have a man that I just insinuated wasn't being sincere... He isn't, I can just tell.
"You're so full of it." She spats, nose wrinkled up slightly from anger. "You're getting married and you act like she's some saint." She shakes her head quickly, hands still moving at a fast pace.
"I'm not even getting married!" I shout, because it's like she just doesn't get it. "Why don't you listen to anything? You let your own insecurities eat away at you too much and then you start believing your own fragmented thoughts!" I can't help it... my anger gets the better of me, and I yell at her.
She pauses for a second, stunned. "I can't do this with you, Lindsey." Holding up her hand, she moves through the kitchen.
"Don't," I grab ahold of her arm, pulling her back quickly. "Don't leave like this." I might not be able to stand her at the moment, but I don't want her to get on a plane with this much tension surrounding us.
"I don't have the patience to deal with you," She yanks her arm back, heading into the foyer to get on a plane to Aspen.
