S:
"Stevie, hear me out," He steps forward, setting the pink roses and little baggy down on the stand.
"Go ahead," Nonchalantly, I bring my shoulders up and then let them fall lazily. "I'm listening, Lindsey." I add, almost fed up with all of this.
"I got caught up at the office and I lost track of time." He steps a little closer, almost like he expects me to just fall into his arms.
"Did the office turn into a bar? Because you smell like a brewhouse." I cross my arms over my chest, totally not impressed with him at all.
I can smell the scent of liquor, pouring into the tension filled air around us. It's toxic... almost like this mess that we've found ourselves stuck in.
He lets out a sigh, probably pissed that I caught him red handed.
I caught him standing here, in my living room, lying to me. The office story is bullshit. There's only so many cards a liar can pull, and Mark already used that hand many moons ago.
"I was with a couple of marketing managers and we had a few drinks. I swear, time just slipped away." He snaps his fingers softly, hoping I believe his story.
But I don't have it in me to believe it, nor even think about it. "I'm going to bed, Lindsey." I try to move around him, but he grabs my arm lightly before I can make my great escape.
"I am so sorry, Stevie...." his eyes are filled with this sense of sadness, but he has nothing to be sad about. He did this to himself. "I want to make it up to you, please." His says, brows creased gently.
"I have two kids to get up with in the middle of the night." My eyes fall towards the floor as they grow warm from a new set of tears just over the horizon. "I'm going to bed," I whisper through my half lit living room.
"Happy birthday, beautiful." He sighs, holding out the bag and the flowers for me to take.
"Thank you," I slowly take his gift before I turn to head up the stairs.
I sneak down the hallway, hoping both babies are fast asleep, because I can't do it tonight. I can't rock, and sing and sooth right now... I just can't. I don't have it in me.
"What are you doing?" Lori hasn't left the comfort of my bedroom in a couple of hours, which I'm thankful for. I wouldn't want her sitting down there with me, waiting for Lindsey to never show up. "Why are you back so early?" She's sitting in my bed, reading a book while both babies sleep in their bassinets.
I wasn't going to breakdown- I told myself that I wouldn't, but I can't hold it back. I can't pretend like that doesn't hurt me, because it does. "He got busy," My eyebrows wrinkle up as my tears start to flow down my cheeks.
"Oh, honey." She holds out her arms, eyes almost as sad as my own. "Come here,"
Whole heartedly, I crawl up my bed, falling right into her open arms. She holds me for a little while, listening to me cry.
I am far too old to sit around my house, waiting for a man to find time for me. I'm over that, so over it. I don't want to worry about falling in love, or being beautiful enough... not for someone who doesn't appreciate me the way I think I deserve to be appreciated. And that might sound selfish, or disappointing, but it's how I feel. I'm exhausted, and the last thing I'm going to worry about right now is finding happiness outside of my role as a mother. I need to get my bearings on before I throw myself onto yet another emotional roller coaster.
"Stevie, maybe this was just a one time mistake. I'm sure he didn't mean it." She whispers, eyes staring into mine.
She's on the other side of the bed, being the best friend I have always adored.
"I'm done with mistakes, Lori." I admit, even though my heart is begging me to forgive him. I can't. "I just want to lay in bed for the rest of my life." I sigh, eyes closing softly.
"Maybe you should start seeing someone else?" She gives me shrug, "You need to get out of this house and be someone again. I think having a date night every now and then is important, Stevie." She sounds exactly like my therapist, talking about what's important... but how do they know?
How does anyone know what's important to me?
Maybe being single is what I need. Maybe just completely working on healing my inner self-esteem is what is best at this point in my life. I told myself at the beginning of my pregnancy that I didn't want a relationship, and I still feel the same way. Being connected to someone all of the time is not ideal for me, not anymore.
I couldn't wait to start a family with a loving husband, thirty years ago. Now I'm older, and just not interested anymore.
"Go get your makeup off and get into some snuggly clothes on." She tells me, sliding up the bed a little further to crawl underneath the comforter. "And open your gift from him." Letting out a light laugh, she rolls her eyes probably because she thinks I'm crazy. And maybe I am.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I reach out to grab the bag off the nightstand. My hands are almost shaking as I unwrap the packaging, a small jewelry box staring back at me once the paper falls to the floor.
"Oh..." Lori says it so quietly, almost like she doesn't want me to hear it.
My heart starts pounding as I my fingers graze along the little lock. Opening it carefully, I'm met by this ring with a gold band and an amethyst stone- the babies birthstone. It's gorgeous and thoughtful, but I can't wear it. So instead of putting the ring on my finger, I close the box and put it nicely in my nightstand drawer.
~~~
It's early the next morning when I find myself standing in the kitchen, making a bottle for Hudson while Lori bounces Lena around the room. Lindsey's still asleep in the living room, which gives me time to think about how I'm going to tell him what I spent hours thinking about last night.
I want him to stay here with us until the time comes when the babies can sleep through the night, and then I expect him to settle back in at his condo. I think I'll be able to handle two children by myself once they're old enough to sleep down the hallway. And I don't want him to think that I want anything more, because I don't. I don't want a boyfriend, or a lover... I just want my twins to have a father and that's why I'm trying as hard as I can.
So, when he finally wakes up an hour later- I tell him that he can take up residency on the sofa in my bedroom for the next couple of months, but after that- we're simply two people who share a couple of kids.
