S:
I spend the rest of the week thinking about how I'm going to tell Lindsey that I have feelings for him, but I don't know how.
I know it's ridiculous- I'm ridiculous. At fifty years old, I should know how to talk to a man... especially a man I've had kids with. But I don't, really. I don't know how to tell him that an over exaggerating, sometimes tough, always bossy woman is actually in love with him, even if she isn't totally sure how to show it.
~~~
Pulling open the front door, a big smile tugs at the corners of my mouth as he jumps out of the car to get the babies unbuckled.
I've missed Helena and Hudson more than I had actually figured I would.. which is kind of crazy. And not only have I struggled with not seeing them, but I've also really missed Lindsey as well.
"Hi!" I trail down the sidewalk as Helena runs towards me. "Slow down, baby." I giggle, scooping her into my arms as soon as she makes her way towards me.
I linger in the driveway, waiting for Lindsey to get Hudson unbuckled. Once he's done, he sets him down on the ground, but the moment I see him- my mouth falls open.
He has a bandage on his head- right above his right eye, and it seriously looks awful...
"What happened?" Setting Helena back on the sidewalk, I quickly bend down, taking Hudson in my arms. My hands both fall on his cheeks, adjusting his head softly so I can look at it. "What happened?" I repeat, but this time it's a little more forceful than before.
"Let's go inside, please." Lindsey has their bags in his hands as he cocks his head towards the front door.
"Come on, baby." I take Hudson, lifting him off the ground and then reaching down for Helena's hand.
Lindsey follows close behind, probably kicking himself for whatever happened to my son. If I was him, I'd turn around and run right out that front door... I would be scared of me too.
"Have they taken a nap?" I turn around softly, looking at him out of the corner of my eye as we move through the foyer.
"Not yet," he shakes his head, this sound of defeat eating away at him.
"Let's get you tucked into bed, babies." I guide the way, Lindsey taking Lena's hand so I can hold onto the railing.
With both of us here, we split up to make it a little easier- I take Lena while he puts Hudson down. After a couple of minutes of her hugging me, kissing my head and repeating the only word she knows, 'ma,' she finally lays down to sleep. And that's when I realize that this is the most perfect form of life, even if I've had a hard time readjusting to my new normal.
I would never want to trade anything for this, not in a million years.
By the time I flow back into the hallway, Lindsey is standing there, waiting for me. He looks tired, probably from a restless couple of days with two toddlers... anyone would be exhausted. It's hard, so a part of me wants to hug him, but another part of me wants to yell at him for whatever happened to Hudson's head.
"What happened?" I repeat for the third time in half an hour.
He sighs, traveling close behind me as we move back down the stairs. "Hudson fell and hit his head on the coffee table in the hotel." He admits, which causes my eyes to fly open.
"He what?!" I spin around, feeling him quickly wrap his arm around my waist to keep me steady.
"Walk down the stairs," he demands in a voice that sounds far harsher than it should.
Turning back around, I shake my head in disbelief. "How?" I throw my hands out to my sides, letting them come back down to hit my hips with force. "How did he fall if someone was watching him?" I half shout it the moment we hit the bottom.
"Kids get hurt, Stevie. It's a part of life, okay?" He shouts right back, almost like it's my fault, or something.
"My girls never got hurt like that." I shake my head, mad that he would even think that cracking his head open is normal... sure, a lot of kids do, but it can be prevented, for sure.
"We can't all walk on water," he rolls his eyes as sarcasm spills from his mouth. "Not everyone is a total saint like you." He scoffs, rolling his eyes subtly.
"Who was watching them?" I slouch to one side, eyebrows raised as I cross my arms over my chest comfortably. He doesn't answer for a moment, which makes me even more upset. "I asked you a question, Lindsey." I feel like I'm being extra harsh, but these are my children we're talking about, so if I sound like the wicked witch of the west- that's fine.
"Tammy and Betsy," his words leave me stunned...
"Betsy went?" I almost whisper, eyes falling down to the living room floor.
I can't get Betsy to come hang out for more than a couple of hours, but she agrees to go on some lame business trip with Adam, Lindsey, his girlfriend and my two babies?
It's like my family had a trip without me.... they replaced my presence with some lady Lindsey met at Costco.
"That doesn't even matter, Steph." He shakes his head, trying to make it seem like it wasn't a huge stab in the back and it was... it is.
"You shouldn't have left those two goofballs with them anyway," I shrug, putting all of the blame on him.
I know it isn't his fault- he wasn't there, but I told him. I told him that they're hard to take care of, so throwing them into someone elses arms isn't always a good idea. One toddler is hard enough, but two is a totally different story. They aren't easy by any means, and I don't get why Lindsey doesn't understand that.
"Oh my God!" He shouts, eyes filled with so much anger. "Why do you do this to me?" He huffs, hand coming up to his chest.
"Do what? Your stupid girlfriend wasn't watching my son, which I warned about and it's my fault?" Suddenly I can't control myself, so my voice grows incredibly loud as I stare right into his eyes.
"I'm not talking about that!" His jaw settles right after those words, almost like he's trying to calm himself... but I can't even think about simmering down.
"Then what the hell are you talking about?" I spat, tears threatening to fall.
I've never been a good fighter, ever. I can yell and scream, but on the inside I feel a little broken every time... Lindsey's just so easy to fight with, and he probably feels the same way about me.
"You really think I wanted to take Tammy with us?" He's shouting right back at me- not at all afraid to hurt my feelings. "I wanted you to go, but you're so stuck in that mindset of doing this separately." He adds, voicing growing softer but only a tad.
I pause for a second, pursing my lips to one side. "We can't force one another to feel something we don't." I lie, but the look in his eyes tells me that he believes it.
I've successfully convinced him that I don't love him beyond being the father of my children.
"I can't even deal with you, Stevie." He shakes his head, frustration prominent in his actions. "I hope you're still getting help, because you need it." he says it so deep... so mean.
I can feel the tears grow heavier, but I won't let them fall... I won't seem weak, not right now. "Oh, fuck off..." I can't yell, it won't come out, so instead I just sound really chocked up.
He sighs, eyes closing softly. "I give up."
