L:
Pulling back the blankets on my side of the bed, I desperately try to drown out the sound of her voice. She's laying on her side, rubbing lotion into her hands as she goes over her entire day. We do this almost every night she's here, and every time- I get a little crazier.
She doesn't live with me, but she does spend a good part of her week here, especially since I actually bought a house.
I realized that having two kids running around a condo wasn't ideal, so I caved and bought a four bedroom house that sits far back right on the beach. I like it, mainly because Hudson and Helena really love it here and that's what seems to matter the most to me these days.
"Are you listening?" She turns to look at me, raising an eyebrow slightly.
"Yes, what were you saying?" I know I'm going to have a pop quiz over it sometime soon anyway, so I might as well back track before she gets too involved.
"I said we should really consider the next step..." she says it in a serious, almost brutal voice.
My mouth goes completely dry as I try to conjure up the words I want to use.
No. No is the only word I can think of, because marriage is not on my agenda. I don't want to be married... not to her at least. I mean, she's great and I love her, but I don't know.
I'm definitely not ready to completely tie myself to her. That seems like too much pressure and I don't work well under pressure.
"Lindsey? Snap out of it." She chuckles lightly, green eyes trying to locate mine. "Don't you think moving in together and getting married is a good idea?" She leans back into the headboard, hands resting in her lap.
"We'll think about, honey." I tell her, not sure how to let her down easy. I don't want that...
She lets out a sigh, sinking further into the bed as I flip onto my side.
Facing the window, my attention gets sucked into the water crashing against the rocks on the coast.
I know I need to move on... but I can't. I can't really, seriously give myself to someone that doesn't have my heart. We might fight like cats and dogs, but Stevie holds important pieces of me that no one else ever will.
Don't get me wrong, most days of the week I can't stand Stevie. But I always love her... I'm afraid I will never be able to love anyone as much as I love her.
~~~
S:
"That doesn't look like my daddy..." Helena wrinkles up her nose as she peeks around the corner at Vic.
"Honey, that's because he isn't your daddy." I bend down, letting out a small sigh as my hand falls on her cheek gently.
I didn't want this to happen, not in the slightest. I wanted to wait as long as I could, but I guess Lindsey made this choice for me. He was supposed to be here half an hour ago to get the kids for the evening, while I went to dinner with Vic. But no- he decided that he has to be late tonight... the first time in four years.
"Then why is he here?" She gasps, eyes moving from me back towards the living room, where he's talking to Hudson.
"Please, just be nice. Okay?" I know she's a good girl, but the look in her eyes... I've seen it a million times in Bridgets deep brown orbs as well. It's trouble.
"I'm telling my daddy." She looks at me out of the corner of her eye as she slowly starts to trail into the living room. "And he isn't gonna be happy." She adds.
Smirking softly, I stand back up to follow her into the room.
Hudson is sitting on the couch, a huge gap in between him and Vic. He's asking him all sorts of questions... questions a four year old shouldn't even know to ask. Like, the boy hardly ever talks, but suddenly he wants to know what Vic does for a living? Someone coached him, and I'm almost certain it was his father.
As for Helena, she just sits on the floor, eyes glued on him the entire time, making sure he doesn't make any sudden movements.
She's normally full of character- bouncing around and acting crazy. Hell, when my girls and her sisters are over, she likes to get on the coffee table and sing for them.... I don't understand what the problem is here.
The sound of the door bell is like music to my ears, even though I'm shocked he'd use that when he normally comes in with his key.
Jumping up, I move through the living room and into the foyer, stunned to see Tammy at the door. She has never come to pick them up, so it immediately concerns me.
"Hey, Tammy." I give her a quick smile. "Where's Lindsey?" It's not that I'm not happy to see her... well, I'm not, but y'know.
"He is super busy at work..." She gives me a funny smile, and I know she's getting ready to continue. "He's trying to get all the over time he can before we start planning the wedding."
My mouth falls open, and my heart starts beating like crazy. It actually like a big slap in the face... over and over again until it's red and puffy. Wedding? They're going to get married?
Thankfully, the sound of little feet cause me to snap back into reality. But Helena stops halfway through the foyer, almost rolling her eyes at the sight of Tammy.
"What is wrong with you?" My hands fall on my hips, totally shocked that she would seriously act like this.
"I'm tired," she whines, but I know it's something else... something's really bothering her and I can't decide if it's Vic, or Tammy. Maybe it's her two parents. "And I want my dad." She stomps her foot.
"Daddy will be home when you get there." Tammy assures, trying to cheer her up but I don't think it'll work.
It takes a couple of minutes for the kids to get around and then Tammy finally disappears out of my presence. And I couldn't be more thrilled with her departure.
I can't believe he asked her to get married... I mean, I want him to be happy, I really do. But for some weird reason I figured that we would end up being happy together. For a long time, I had this feeling that we would really connect and become something far more serious than we are.
A part of me was holding out for some magical fairy dust to sprinkle above us, and we'd live happily ever after.
But to think that he really did find a sense of happiness beyond us makes me sad. I'm happy for him, but sad for me. I guess my heart isn't as locked away as I had originally thought... Now I can actually open myself up to Vic, because Lindsey's apparently not what I've been waiting for.
