L:
It's early Monday morning when we find ourselves hurrying through the airport, almost late for our flight. Taking two one years through security is hell, even with four adults.
"Are you excited?" I half smile, carrying Helena up the ramp to the gates. "You look so sweet, baby." I kiss her cheek, causing her to giggle as we finally make it to our gate.
Stevie has said a million times over that Helena looks just like me, but the truth is- she looks just like her mama. She has these big brown eyes that melt my heart, and a smile that could ease any bad energy. She's a happy girl, with a sun hat and a yellow dress- an outfit Stevie packed her last night before she dropped her off.
At first I was a little nervous about this whole situation, but then Tammy talked about how fun it would be for the kids to play in the sand, and hang out by the ocean... even though we have both of those things right here in California.
Then I thought it was a great idea, until I saw the look in Stevie's eyes last night. She looked bummed out- three days without two people she hasn't been away from for more than a day in a whole year.
It's not that I wanted to hurt Stevie, but she has to realize that they're half mine. I can take them places and do things with them too, even if she isn't around. But then I continuously remind myself that Stevie is still taking antidepressants twice a day, and she's still seeing a therapist every Tuesday afternoon... And I still don't think she can necessarily control the emotions she has.
That might sound crazy- I'm sticking up for her, but she gave me the two most important things in my life, so damn right, I'm always going to be rooting for her.
"He's passed out," Betsy giggles lightly, carrying her brother in her arms.
You're gonna think I'm a real jerk, but I swear, I didn't know Betsy was coming. And I hope to God Stevie doesn't find out, because this is awkward.
Adam said that I shouldn't bring Tammy, but I said that he shouldn't bring Betsy... so it's basically his fault too, because now it seems like a big slap in the face for Stevie and that wasn't my intention. Ever.
"He's tired, aren't you, baby?" Tammy whispers, leaning over to slowly run her fingers down his arm.
Betsy and Tammy immediately start chatting away, which I don't really like. I wish Betsy would put that much effort into a relationship with her mother...
"This is weird." Adam mumbles, sitting in the chair right next to me, eyes glued on the girls.
Nodding my head, I have to agree...
I wish it was Stevie sitting in that chair, bonding with Betsy while she rocked our son to sleep, but that just doesn't seem like our destiny.
~~~
S:
"On a scale from one to ten, how much does it bother you that Lindsey took the kids to Florida?" She's been listening to me complain about it for awhile now, but that's only because I haven't brought it up at the other meetings... but now they're on the plane and that makes me nervous.
"It doesn't bother me at all," shaking my head lightly, I immediately start to fiddle with the rings on my fingers. "What bothers me is that he brought her..." I haven't admitted that aloud, not even to the girls.
I don't want to sound jealous, or spiteful, but in a weird and unhealthy way- I am exactly that.
"Why?" She creases a brow, looking up from her notepad to show me that I have her undivided attention. "Why does that bother you so much?" She repeats, voice soft with sympathy.
Shifting in the chair, my eyes wander around the room, praying my hour doesn't end any time soon. "I love him," It comes out like a low murmur, but I'm sad.
"Do you love Lindsey because he's the father of the babies, or do you love him in a romantic way?" She asks, which makes me sigh deeply.
"I love him in a romantic way... I want to be more than what we are." I can feel a warm set of tears fill the brims of my eyes as I lean back a little further. I feel slightly defeated, even though I shouldn't.
"Why don't you tell him these sort of things? Don't you think he would like to hear that?" She has to know that this isn't ideal for me to talk about, let alone act upon.
"I'm scared I'm going to get hurt again..." I hate that, but it's the truth.
I know I can't hold on to all that bottled up hurt from my marriage, but it's still hard. It's hard to open myself up, and allow another man to swoop in and steal my heart. It's dangerous, and I can not willingly hand over something so fragile.
"Stevie, I think it's time you tell him how you really feel." She encourages me do the exact opposite of what everyone else seems to say. "I think once he gets home, you should try to let your heart speak a little louder than the hurt seeping through." She adds, still carrying a sympathetic tone.
"He has Tammy now..." I linger, biting down on my lower lip gently.
Nodding her head, she lets out a light laugh. "I think he'd definitely hear you out,"
~~~
L:
Adam and I spend that first day in meetings, going back and forth about marketing and all that jazz. It's pretty boring and for most of the day, I find myself looking at the clock.
It's not that I'm worried about Tammy and Betsy watching my kids... okay, I'm worried. I know Stevie would flip out if she found out that I'd left them alone for so long. And for a minute, I had an urge to get up and leave.
But then I continue to remind myself that they have to be with other people. They can't just be stuck with their mother and I- that isn't fair to them socially.
So, by the time noon rolls around, I'm over it. I just sit there, trying to pretend like they're with Stevie, safe and happy.
"Lindsey," one of the women who regularly works at my office in California is standing behind me, whispering lightly.
"What's up?" I turn softly, ready to hear her ask me about something work related.
"You have a phone call... It's from Tammy and she said it's very important." She whispers back, and I immediately jump out of the chair.
I follow her down the hallway, past a bunch of cubicles until we make it to the place where she's temporarily stationed.
Falling into her chair, I pick up the phone and bring it to my ear. "Hello?" My heart is pounding... I knew I had a reason to be worried.
"Hudson fell and cracked his head open on the edge of the coffee table." She is frantic... too frantic.
