Agent Assassin's Achilles ✔️

13.Nomvula

We are burying her in Berlin like her brother. Sibo handled the arrangements as Kai and I are not in the space to do so.

Before she passed I was on the edge as to whether I would commit espionage but after watching her lay there, lifeless, I realised that everyone who had a hand in her death deserved death too.

I am yet to tell Kai and I feel as though I should not as he will talk me out of it. He is a shell of himself and is barely here with us.

"What would you like to eat?" I ask leaning on the threshold of the hotel suite we are in. He is laying on the couch looking at the sky. I would order room service again but I need to get out. "Kaiser?"

"Huh?"

"What would you like to eat? I am going out and I want to know if I can get you anything?"

"Are you walking there?"

"Uhm, yeah."

"I will go with you, let me grab a jacket."

"You don't have to."

"I need to." he takes a black leather jacket with wool on the inside of it. We walk out of the hotel, feeling worlds apart. "How are you feeling?"

"Uhm, I'm not." a chuckle leaps out of me, deflecting has always been one of my strongest traits "How are you feeling?"

"Overwhelmed." he has always been able to go through things better than me

"how can I best help you?" he chuckles, his turn to deflect

"Are you going to help me find the people who shot me?" maybe I should tell him

"Actually..."

"What did you do?"

"Anya offered to give me their names if I get her a few files from the CIA office."

"Are you crazy?"

"No. I have no more cheeks to turn."

"Kamo, you want to go after skilled mercenaries?"

"I am going to whether you help me or not." we enter the restaurant and are seated before the waiter hands us menus. He orders before me and I settle on prawns and chips. "Are you going to help me?"

"Of course, I can not allow you to get yourself killed."

"I am not going to get killed."

"Kamo, be honest with yourself, how were you planning on doing all of this?"

"I was going to ask for help when I need it."

"Thank God, I am offering mine," he says sarcastically before drinking his beer. "Fucking hell."

"What?"

"When were you planning on telling me all of this?"

"Uhm, when I was done." anger in his eyes

"Kamo, I get that you are depressed but you can not go seeking death to cope. Fucking hell." he runs his fingers through his hair, frustration visible in the way his fingers tremble

"I am trying my best to deal with how I am feeling."

"I know, I just need you to recognise self-deprecating behaviour."

"I will try."

"Good." he smiles at me before focusing on his beer, thoughts swirling in his brain and I wish I could hear them. To understand how badly this is all affecting him, to be there for him even though it is hard to be there for myself.

We had lunch and before long we head to the crypt to see Leon before Khanyi's burial. Losing one child drove us apart and it seems the loss of a second child is driving us to insanity.

"Hey Leon, it is mama and papa." my voice cracks as I announce us "We just wanted to make sure you accept and welcome your sister tomorrow." the first time I did theae rites, it felt stupid, he was dead, he could not hear me. With time, the more I did it, the more it gave me some sense of peace, I roped Khanyi and Kai into it so I did not feel stupid.

"It's going to be the two of you for a while, we love you more and more every day," he says placing his hand on the stone and I place mine next to his and we spend a moment like this before he goes to his grandmothers and placing his forehead on the stone "I miss you." a whisper between them expressing the longing he has and how badly he wishes for community "Please look after my little ones."

We are going to be buried here too one day. Although I would want to be with my parents, I am married and that lasts for this lifetime and all that follows after death..

Afterwards, we head back to the hotel and I feel better, a bit but better nonetheless. He must have also felt better because he went to bed immediately when we got into the room and because I did not want to stare at my phone, I lay beside him on the bed, hoping to fall asleep as well.

"What happens afterwards?"

"After what?"

"Vengeance?" 

"I have not thought that far, I am taking things one step at a time."

"Okay."

"You think I am wrong, don't you?"

"No, you deal with it, how you want mein liebe."

"What do you think is on the other side?" we are both staring at the ceiling and while we would never admit it to each other, we are falling apart and we barely remember what we looked like before we broke seven years ago.

"I wish I knew." threading uncharted territory is hard, it was hard getting used to my mother being gone but losing a baby hurts differently. I barely know if I am allowed to feel the way I do.

I still love him but I am consumed by all my other emotions, some I can not name.

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