In the fetal position, in the shower for nearly thirty minutes and I can barely stop crying. Today is the burial, my dad and March are helping Sibo get everything done, all Kai and I have to do is arrive in our yellow outfits.
Sibo decided that instead of wearing black, we should wear her favourite colour. She also asked that we bring some things that she loved along to place in the crypt and I can barely let go of the things I came with, I do not want to let her go.
"Bestie?" in a soft voice Sibo calls
"Hey." I can barely look up
"Are you getting ready?"
"No."
"Would you like some help?"
"Yeah." she walks into the bathroom and switches off the shower and hands me a towel. After drying myself she gets out and gives me space to apply lotion while she picks out an outfit for me.
My hands feel heavy as I massage the lotion into my skin, all I wanted to do was drop on the floor and I do after applying the lotion.
"Get dressed and I can do your hair." she is so sweet
"You are a great friend, Sibo."
"Trying to be like you."
"Stop lying," a smile on my face as I put the dress on.
"You are my best friend for a reason babe." she takes out the water bottle, brush, and some gel, waiting for me to finish up so she can do my hair. I am always grateful for the community I have especially in times like these
"Where is he?"
"Zale took him to get a haircut."
"Nice."
"You know, there are times when I wonder if he takes care of you when you get like this?"
"Uhm, he usually does, yeah."
"Good. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion at all times." she says planting a kiss on my cheek
"I do not want to go." I do not want to say goodbye, I do not want to leave her here, I do not want to say goodbye, I should not be saying goodbye, I should be screaming Hello, crying for her to clean her room and the dishes, begging her to take these headphones off, yelling at her for not doing her homework, I should be parenting my daughter not mourning her.
"That's okay but I think Khanyi deserves a goodbye from her mother." was I a good mother? Did she love me? Did she know that I loved her? Was she ever mad at me for being too much? Sad that I was too little of myself to fully be there? Did she resent my mental illness and me? Did she wish she was born to someone else? Did she wish Mama and Dad lived together? Did she think that I kept him from her? Did she hate me?
"I really do not want to go." the suite door closes, Kai, making his way into the bedroom
"Hey Sibo." she lets go of me to hug him, right, he lost a child too.
"How are you?"
"I am fine."
"Fine is a good place to start but not a great place to stay."
"I will remember that."
"Please do. Kamo, I am going to leave, I am not abandoning you, call me if you want me to come back." a nod and she heads out the door
"You look good."
"Thank you. You look good too." he says sitting at the edge of the bed "You said you do not want to go to the burial."
"I do not."
"What would you rather do?"
"Sulked in the shower." he lets out a chuckle
"I wish I could too."
"Why can't you?"
"Because I want to say goodbye, I would be hurt if I did not see where she is resting."
"What if she does not want you there?"
"I am her dad, good or bad, I know I loved her and that must count for something."
"I guess, it's funny, she should be here."
"She should have been. How about we buy a book for her to have in her crypt?"
"Can I get a book?"
"Yes, Kitten." As we walked to the bookstore, I found my anxiety around the event increasing and while he is great at calming me, it was not helping.
We got four books and made our way to the burial. Adore with yellow and green, you would think it is a birthday. We are greeted by our parents before we head into the mausoleum.
Everyone said a few words before it was Kai's turn.
"Eleven years of pure bliss is what you gave to me, Khanyisile. I was proud to be your father even with all my many mistakes, I just wanted to be the best version of myself for you and your mother. I miss you baby girl and I love you. Rest well and look after your little brother." I had nothing written or prepared but I have to say something.
"Thank you all for coming, it is great to see your support system in full effect, thank you all for being there for us during this difficult time. Khanyi was the love of my life, there was nothing I would not do for her and I hope she knew that. I hope she knew that we loved her and how hard we fought for her. As we lay her to rest, I want to remind everyone here that I have love for you all and that we will get through this." as I step back into Kaiser's arms, I reflect on how the last part was utter bullshit, I barely know if I am not going to run into oncoming traffic when we leave here.
With our candles in our hands, we bid her farewell. Her mother, her father, her grandmother, her grandfather, her godparents, we all watch, wishing we had said things, done things, or been there, so many regrets fill the room and all from different places.
Khanyisile Ludwig, gone way too soon and it is all my fault.
********
Made me tear up.
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Agent Assassin's Achilles ✔️
Romance[Book 2] Kamo, Kaiser, and Khanyi are now living in New York. Kamo is running a successful business, Khanyi is about to finish grade six and Kaiser is an unofficial CIA asset. With him being miles away for months at a time, how does that affect h...
