The older brothers and the Younger sister

Fuck life

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, DEPRESSIVE TALK IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT BUT PLS BE AWARE

-LEO POV-

I had no idea what the fuck just went on.

That woman just fucking ordered that ugly ass man to handcuff me and she stormed upstairs to find Calla.

Calla was passed out in Xavier's arms, Mateo was sitting next to Xavier and Calla. Ethan was sitting across from them, He was staring at all three of them. Probably trying to see if they are actually okay or they're lying.

I was standing. 

I sighed, I went upstairs to my bedroom. I walked towards my pillow, Fuck.

"Leo, Be a man. You never fucking cry, Understand? Don't be weak." My dads voice echoed in my head. "but dad-" 12 year old me said. "No. You never cry, Men do not cry. I will not raise you to be a weak man." He said.

I was filled with emotion after that night, I thought having emotions was weak. I still think that me having emotions is weak, But.. I make sure my brothers and sister know its not weak to cry. It doesn't matter how I feel.

Dads voice kept echoing in my mind, Nobody knows this happens. Not even my brothers, I keep my problems far away from them.

We are all fucked up, Calla is probably fucking traumatised from that fucker, Mason. She has nightmares still, usually one of us is in her room. It's tiring but we would do anything for her. 

Mateo, well.. I don't know but, Whatever he is going through or feels isn't normal. Well it's normal but it shouldn't be something anybody has to go through. Even though he has gotten a lot better, He doesn't blame himself for things a lot.. He's gotten better at being around yelling. I can tell he still feels something terrible, It's in his eyes.

Xavier, He's fucked up. Two years ago he done drugs, When me and Ethan asked him why he did it.. He said 'I wanted to feel something'. He pretends not to feel anything, He pretends to be this cold person. He isn't, I know he isn't. 

Ethan, He refuses to show any emotion. It's rare he actually shows any emotion apart from anger. Ethan is suppose to start anger issue medication in a couple days though, I had convinced him to do it. Our siblings don't need him getting angry at little things, Ethan has been haunted by dads words. He blocked them out, I haven't.

Me.. I'm fucked up. I was the first born, The first one to go through shit with my dad. The first one to be trained like a fucking puppet. I made it a mission to make sure Ethan didn't go through it as bad as me. He still went through it badly but not nearly as bad as mine.

Dad always made me learn how to do all these things.. Like, Shooting a gun. He made me hurt people as soon as I turned 13. I make it out as if he wasn't a bad guy, He was. I will forever hate him, I want to forget him.. I cannot. His voice and words echo my mind, I cannot get rid of them.

I give up.

I moved my pillow out the way, Showing the switchblade hidden underneath. I grabbed it and opened it, Showing the sharp blade. 

I took my suit jacket off, Exposing my tattooed arm. I sliced the sharp blade against my arm, Many times. 

Nobody will know how much our dad haunted me. Nobody can ever know.

I am the oldest, I need to take care of my younger siblings. 

I cannot let them down, I can't. I finally stopped cutting at 13 cuts, I hated the number 13. From my 13th birthday, Shit only went down hill.

Some of the things, I don't even want to say in my mind. 

I let the cuts bleed for a moment, They started to drip blood. I went into the bathroom and cleaned them up, I wrapped a bandage around them. Do not let anybody see. 

I looked in the mirror, I looked like a lifeless person. Maybe not in anybody else's eyes but.. In mine, I looked like I was dead. I don't even think I know the person thats standing in the mirror. 

I got over myself, I put my jacket back on. I went to the third floor and went to my office, I need to continue with work.

I overload myself in work, I need to distract myself. Sometimes the distractions worked, Sometimes they didn't. I just hoped my siblings were okay downstairs. 

I don't know what I would've done if Robert didn't show up. Of course, I wouldn't let Calla leave us for long. I would have her back in the matter of days, but in that moment. I had no control over the situation, All I felt was red.

My sister nearly got taken away again, All because of a fucking bastard. To make it worse, The bastard is dead! I can't even kill him, I can't give him the death he deserves. 

I was in need for sleep. I haven't taken the sleep medication I usually take, I was to busy. I haven't slept properly in a while.

I opened one of my emails, Fucking hell. I hate working, I just want to go to sleep. I continued to write back to the damn emails. some of them involving meetings, Some of them involving business ideas. 

Ethan done work as well, He had been busy trying to help me out with our other siblings. I try and make sure Ethan works on himself as well, he doesn't listen. 

it scares me so much, I don't want to loose any of my siblings. I cannot, I was fucked up without Calla. She's back, I thought I would be less scared. I'm not.

In fact, I'm even more scared now she's back.

I'm scared that.. Any of my siblings are gonna get taken next. I don't want that to happen, I need them. 

I might get mad at them sometimes but, I wouldn't be living without them. Fuck.

I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face and continued to work. 

Fuck life.

I worked for another 6 hours. 

....

sad one bc i feel sad

idk if this is good

does this make sense-? idk, i just wrote words. it was whatever came to my brain, I'm literally listening to random songs and writing. 

I've been writing sad shit. 

Anyways, hope u enjoyed

make sure u take care of yourselves 

im gonna go watch random sad imagine stories on tiktok and listen to sad asmr audios on youtube and then probably go on omegle 

LOVE YALL

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