Falling Together

3. Anniversaries

There are anniversaries you look forward to-the day you met a loved one, or the day you officially started dating your boyfriend, or your wedding anniversary. And there are anniversaries you dread-the day something terrible happened to you, the day your grandmother died, or the day you went into emergency surgery at fifteen weeks pregnant with an ectopic tubal pregnancy that was detected later than it should have been.

I dread today, for that last reason.

It's been two years already.

I was twenty-three. I had weird, irregular periods, much like I do now. There have been many times when I missed a few Aunt Flow visits because of stress or the main factor, my IUD.

Ah yes, my IUD. The reason I shouldn't have been pregnant, but I was and I had no idea.

IUDs are shit birth control options in my opinion. It was nice not having periods until it was the reason I didn't know I was pregnant and they caught my ectopic pregnancy too late and I almost died because of a ruptured fallopian tube.

I lost four things that day. My IUD. One of my fallopian tubes. My baby. And part of myself-in more ways than one.

I'd taken a pregnancy test out of spite a few weeks before, so you can imagine Evan and I's surprise when it came back positive. My OB couldn't get me in until the next month so I had to go to her clinic to get my IUD removed.

I saw my baby on an ultrasound once.

I had been having belly pains and an odd pain in my shoulder and was worried, so my OB managed to squeeze me in the day after I called. There Evan and I were, sitting in the room staring at the screen excitedly.

Evelyn had gone on and on about how amazing it was to hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time.

So we sat there and waited for it, but it never happened. Dr.Marrion moved the wand around my belly with a concerned look on her face before telling us there was no heartbeat and that I needed to be taken into the OR immediately.

I was fifteen weeks pregnant. I had been carrying a fetus with no chance at survival in my belly for fourteen weeks before my fallopian tube ruptured and needed to be taken out. I went into shock as they wheeled me to the operating room. I woke up to find out we were supposed to have a girl, and I think I would've been better off not knowing the gender.

Evan was affected as much as me, maybe even more. Not only did he lose a baby, but he also had to watch what I went through, and almost lost me too. But in the end, it's made our marriage stronger.

Things like this can tear a couple apart, but it's only brought us closer.

So now, we don't have our baby girl, but we have matching tattoos for her, and that'll be enough for now.

So yes, this is the kind of anniversary I hate.

I go to work to distract myself, and then I go home and curl up in bed because two years ago today was the worst day of my life.