Petits défis sympas

Just a way to cope

And here I am, still laying awake at night. Overthinking, as per usual. 

I end up on the same apps, as always, scrolling, because I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I know I should. I really, really, should talk to one of my friend, but I feel like I'm gonna disturb them. That's what I always feel like. So I don't, and I just scroll, listening to some music in the backgroung. And damn, what I hear is sometimes too hard, and I just shut my phone off for one or two minutes. And then I go back to scrolling, putting my feelings away. Sometimes I need to listen and watch a video more than one time, and when it's the case, I just know that I should stop, get up, do something good for me. But it's late at night, my parents are home, so I can't do anything. Especially when I'm way to afraid of receiving bad comment, as per usual, from my mom. 

Yeah, I'm her kid, but she doesn't know me, and just shut my feelings down every single fucking time I let myself go a bit. Every time I feel like I'm safe, and I can talk to her, or my dad. I just end up more dispointed than before. 

How can I still fall for that feeling of safety ? How can I still trust my parents to help me when I need it, when they're never here to help me already ?

Sometimes I just lay at night, thinking about the time I told them about the time I almost killed myself. Their answer ? From my mom, I would just be the most selfish person ever, and she  wanted me to be born in this world. From my dad, things will get better anyway.

Yeah, maybe, but everytime I think it's getting better, I end up getting even more hurt than before. Most of the time by their fault.

I don't talk to them about most of my problem, I always seem to be so mature and don't need help for anything anyway. I mean, when I do talk about my problems, they got it worse somehow when they were kids. Oh, and I can't have any mental disorder, because they know better than me, and my research on myself are just bullshit. And obviously, don't even let me start with the reproach I get : "we spend so much on your year for you to succed"... Yeah, after the last 100 times, I know how much you spend. Thanks for making me feel ever more guilty. I appreciate that, really. I didn't do much in the house ? Yeah, I can't really say why, because you'll get mad.

Most of the time I just don't have the energy to get up and do shit. But I'm trying, and you never see that. No you just prefer criticise what I've done. Because I can't do perfect things. Obvioulsy. 

A real wonder why I'm always in my room, or with noise canceling headphones, right ? 

Talking of my room : True, my parents own the house, including my room. Does that really mean they can barge into it at anytime ? No, just because a bit of privacy would be nice. Not being told 36 millions times that I have to clean it. Trust me, I know it better than you do, but being told to do it just make my desire to clean my room disappear. The comments when I do it by myself too, by the way.

My parents are... Not the best. I do know that there are worse parents out there, but... I do feel like I'm never gonna live well with parents like mine. Hence the fact that I just want to cut any contact with them. But even after, in what shape will I live after being told my whole childhoud that I would succed anyway, that I was good at everything and nothing in the same time ? The pressure I had to endure just send me in the arms of our lovely friend : anxiety. 

I mean, I'm thinking about the future, but, will I even be alive one more day ? Will I have the power to go by another day ? I don't know. 

But I do know one thing, I won't die before I got to go to the concert of my favourite band with my best friend this summer. I won't die until I'm sure my friends will be fine, happy, whatever good adjective you got. So I'm gonna stick around a bit more. Distroy myself a bit more in the process, probably, but I'm going to stay. For now at least.

Wow, ouais, je sais, en ce moment mes textes sont plutôt personnels en terme d'émotions, et me servent surtout à... j'ai clairement pas de vrai terme français pour dire ça.... "cope" avec tout ce qu'il se passe en ce moment, cette année et tout ça....

J'en profite pour faire une petite annonce, je vais être largement moins pris l'année prochaine, vu que je ne continue pas du tout vers la médecine, vu que cette année m'a juste coûtée ma santé mentale. Je vais donc dans une filière littéraire l'année prochaine, et on verra où ça m'emmène (j'espère juste avoir plus de temps et plus d'inspiration pour écrire maintenant que la pression s'arrête)

Bref, je vous laisse là dessus, Nuuxta.