Without A Little Risk

Million Dollar Question

Qatar brings a rare treat, girl time in the evening during race week. It's only once in a blue moon when all our schedules line up for a free dinner during the season and something about it almost feels like a vacation for a few hours. The sun is setting, the food is rolling and the drinks are flowing. It's pure bliss.

Amelia is buzzing off the engagement still, every inch the giddy fiance.

Carmen just got a promotion at work, and she's happy as a clam.

And me? "I'm good." I say when they ask.

I'm not good. I'm not good in the slightest.

Carmen blinks slowly, Amelia reaches for her wine - They both know where this is going.

Spilling our guts together is almost second nature and by now they know me well enough to know when I'm bullshitting.

So I cave, "I've been sleeping with Daniel again." Head in hands at the embarrassing confession

Amelia gasps like I've just told her I murdered someone, "Shit, I wanted to be sisters."

Luckily our brunette friend swats her arm so I don't have to, "I knew it. Saw you leaving the bathroom at the same time in Italy." A full on smirk covering her face.

Damn it, I knew public was a bad idea.

But we couldn't stop ourselves.

It's like I'm addicted to him. One touch isn't enough, I need all of him. All or nothing and nothing is far too hard to live with.

"In public, dirty girl!" now it's Amelia's turn to swat my arm as we giggle away.

Rolling my eyes, "Please, as if you haven't."

"A lady never tells." She winks in a way that tells us both, they definitely have.

"We love it, there's something so hot about the chance of getting caught." Carmen confesses, and I would be shocked if I hadn't already heard some wild tales of their sex adventures. The pair of them are dark horses if I've ever met any.

"How did you go from yelling at each other to fucking again?" Amelia puzzels out the million dollar question.

Because I have no self control around the man.

Groaning as the words leave my lips "I walked in on him in a towel, and it was over from there. He keeps asking me to talk... and I've bit literally running away."

"Running away?" Carmen raises an eyebrow.

Now we're to the heart of the matter "I'm not ready to get rejected again." It hurt far too much. I should have learned my lesson last year, but nobody is perfect. But it's only a fool who makes the same mistake three times.

My friends swap a knowing look and I brace for the impact of a hard truth that's bound to come.

"You never get it all without a little risk." Amelia says nearly word for word the same phrase Max used that night on the yacht.

My mouth falls open, "Did Max tell you that? He told me the same thing."

"Great minds think alike." She all but pats herself on the back.

The pair of them are right and I know it full and well. Somehow it's still not quite enough to get me to put my walls down again.

I wish it was that easy.

If it's possible to be haunted by words of advice I surely am this week. Ever since dinner all I can think of is the words that happened to leave both Max and Amelia's both.

I mean, what are the fucking odds?

No amount of work can distract my mine from wandering to him and giving us another chance. And it is busy, the busiest of the season so far. The press is absolutely swarming Ferrari after Amelia and Charles engagement. I thought there was already a ton of press but this is truly next level.

No matter because there's nothing I can do to keep Daniel off my mind. One thing I know for sure is in spite of all that has gone down between us some of my happiest moments have been by his side. And I think there's a chance for more... after all, he's willing to sleep with me so the anger between us has to have died down some.

More than willing even.

By the time I make it to this evening's celebration, he's the only thing in my mind. I must have changed outfits ten times, trying to pick something that felt right for the moment.

And nothing felt quite right. So I settled on short and black because you can't go wrong there.

Pregaming helped with the nerves but honestly there's not enough vodka in the world to melt them away completely.

He's easy to spot, my eyes drawn to him the moment I walk in. It's so hot here he's in shorts and a button down which just so happens to be his sexiest look in my mind. I love how his tattooed tease out from under his shorts and his muscled chest is slightly revealed as the buttons open with the night wearing on. He looks like an absolute dream.

No time to waste, I make my way straight to him like he's the only person at the party.

Time to rip the bandaid off.

"Hi," I exhale deeply as if I've said something far more intense than a simple greeting. It certainly feels like it.

"Come to bring me the drink I've been waiting on since Italy?" His eyes twinkle with teasing and he jokes, unaware of the moment's tension yet.

It's impossible not to crack a smile at him, "Sorry about that."

Daniel matches my grin with his own, "All good. Does it have something to do with the older Leclerc then?"

An unmistakable hint of jealously on his face.

Good.

He's so wrong it's not even funny. Shaking my head and trying my damnest to work up the courage to say what I came here for, "No chance. I was actually hoping to talk to you... I-"

The words stick in my mouth like sawdust.

I want to say I couldn't stand to kiss Lorenzo for thinking of him.

I want to say I don't want to be his friend.

I want to say without him everything feels wrong.

How to even start? The brown eyes that have haunted my dreams gaze at me, trying to gauge what's happening here.

It feels like we're frozen in time, and I can physically see the moment he realizes the weight of what's happening here. He reads me like a book and before I say anything, he knows.

He knows I want him. Knows I'm dying without him. It's written all over my face for him, plain as day.

The tension is palpable, both of us looking at each other like the chaos around us has melted away and we're the only two people left.

My heart is pounding so hard I don't know how it keeps on beating.

Please, please let him want me too.

"Hey baby," A blonde I've never seen before wraps herself around his side, holding out a drink for him. "Here you go."

For a moment, I think I might be physically sick.

Of course he has someone else. How could I have been such a fool? He doesn't take the drink yet, eyes on me. Eyes that were about to see me humiliate myself for him yet again.

Instead, he can watch me turn around and leave.

And leave I do, as fast as my legs can carry me - Still not fast enough to out run the pain of the moment.

When will I ever learn?