Reborn into the Hunger Games ( Finnick Odair x Male oc)

Chapter 7: Feelings

Chapter 7: Feelings

Finnick POV

I won. I survived. Isn't all that matters? I feel like a monster. Am I a Murder? All these thoughts went through my head. I want to go home. I want to see my family. I want to see my darling. However, there was no time to break down. I had to continue an act for the people of the capital. The acting part was the easiest, but the hardest part was lying to myself. That was not okay. No child of any age should be forced to kill other children for the whims of the capitol. There is no freedom or honor. There is no hope. There is no Finnick in the eyes of these people. Each child is just a representation of their districts with no faces or names, but numbers of their games.  As they say the act must go on.

After my win, I rode back to a building where I was supposed to stay. I stood tall and proud in front of the roaring people that we passed. Every minute that passes, my heart loses its warmth and is replaced with the guilt and anguish. My allies that I lost will never get to live again. Those who lost their lives will no longer know how it feels to live. I felt their pain. I feel like I am no longer living. I just felt dead inside. As we got to the suite that I was provided to stay in. It was full of luxury and wealth, but it felt cold and suffocating. I walked towards the couch and crawled into a ball. My knees were to my chest, and all I did was cry and scream my lungs out.

I didn't notice Mags when she entered the room. She walked towards me and sat right next to me. She put her arms around me and allowed me to cry on her shoulder. Her presence lessened the pain, but it will always be there. Mags knew my pain and sorrows. We sat there, while I cried. She whispered in my ear," Everything will be okay." When she said those words, I believed her, but I still broke down once and cried. Mags stayed by my side throughout the night, and as my mentor she will be by my side through the dreaded victory tour.

Every day will be too much at times, and each day will hard to live with the fact that I killed another human being. I hear their voices, and dream of their faces. I was plagued with nightmares of their deaths and blood on my hands. All I could do was cry, scream, and suffer in silence. Mags would be there if I needed her. Talks with her helped a lot. She told me that it wasn't my fault, and it was the only thing I could have done to survive. She also said a hard fact, the guilt, the nightmares, and pain will never go away. They will just fade away until they are brought back into the surface of my mind. Having the will to continue on living and remember the fallen, was the only option that I had.

The very next day, I had an interview with Caesar, about being a new victor and the 65th hunger games. My stylist and her entourage came to dress me up. They waxed, prodded, and dressed me in clothes that were far too revealing. It made me feel gross, and all I wanted was no one to see me this way. I was almost practically nude. The only person I wanted to see me this way was my love. However, I had no choice in the matter. I had to put on the act of the capital's new darling. This act will just protect me and hide my emotions. It did not feel like me,but this new me is a part of me for better or worse.

The interview with Caesar was uncomfortable as always. I had answered the questions the best I could, and gave them what they wanted to see. Even though I wanted to do the opposite, I knew better than to do so. All I could think about is my family and my light. My one and only love, Rudy. Just thinking of him helped me pass through the interview, and helped me ignore their unwanted thoughts. While on that stage, I felt their lust filled gazes along with Caesars. It just felt wrong and unwanted. However, I used those gazes to play up my Flirtatious personality act. I gave them my fake charming smile, that brought them to a hungry frenzy. In my mind, the only thought was how pathetic these people were, and my real smile belongs to the people I love. By the end of things, I just felt used and unwanted for who I really am.