Homeless Vain

03

Digging on the past simply means we are digging on some parts of the memories that nearly be forgotten.

I used to say this - memories are supposed to be remembered.

But at the end, the memories I used to cherish a lot had been buried down in the box I nearly forgotten about.

Looking for the yearbook the other day had led me to something I didn't expect I'd be seeing again. My teenager diary.

I was that type of girl who would jot down everything that had given me butterflies or had made me smile until my face turned numb or even the smallest interaction with my crush.

And it simply meant, Kevin was also a part of its contents.

I facepalmed myself as my eyes trailing every words written in the diary. It was cringy- I must admit, but after the recent breakup I went through, I just realized that having a crush was far more calmer than having a relationship.

To tell the truth, having a crush on someone like Kevin Moon was thrilling. Specifically when he was aware of your feeling for him.

Yes, he was aware, he knew I liked him and he turned me down.

However, he didn't make me feel offended by his rejection. He was a well spoken person who clarified his reason calmly for rejecting me.

The idea of becoming close friends was mine and it was super nerve wracking to wait for his answer because I was anticipating for him to say yes.

And fortunately, he simply told me, "of course we can.. if only you want."

Was he kidding with me?

Of course I would want to get that label. Be closer to him was like a mission for me.

"I wonder if you knew that I still had a crush on you even after we graduated school," I mumbled alone, giggling next in the same way as I did on the day I wrote this diary.

The cozy living room I occupied was now echoing with my voice which I didn't really care to slow down because obviously nobody would scold me for being loud.

A life of an only child who lived with a mother obviously got pros and cons.

"Who's Kevin?"

And this was the cons.

I shut the book closed, tossing it down next to me on the couch before I turned my head to confront the demeanor who was illegally peeking over my privacy.

"No one," I blinked innocently, hoping that my mother would buy the lie. "It's..... my character for my new book."

I couldn't tell if she believed it or not, but she normally would. Lying was never my speciality, so everytime this crisis occurred, I would just find a distraction.

"Where are you heading to?" I asked, noticing the unusual dress up style she put on herself. "Is there a party?"

She looked at me in disbelief, like an asian mom who was ready to nag.

And she really did.

"Ivy, our neighbor is hosting a hi-tea and we both are invited. Don't tell me you forgot!" she started, shooting daggers at me at the couch. "It's not too late yet, go change up into something decent, I'll be waiting."

I flinched with knitted brows.

"I did forget about the event, but mother, do you know why I forgot?" I rose up from my comfort sitting, sneaking the diary into my grasp before I hid it behind my back. "Because, I don't have any plan to go."

I'd foreseen my future, I knew what would be coming after me as soon as I put on the full stop to my words.

Because of that, I already on my feet, running up the stairs and into my bedroom where I slammed the door softly.

Her voice was muffled. Most of the words were not clearly heard - thanks to the oak door, but one thing I managed to catch.

"You have to socialize with people, Ivy!"

I grimaced.

Out of many words existed in this world, I hated that word the most - socialize.

I surely didn't have any problem to socialize but I had come to a decision where I would put a limit number to my circle, for my own sake.

I'd had enough of the backstabbing, people speaking ill of me, turning their backs without valid reasons and most importantly spreading groundless rumors about me throughout my life.

Maybe because of that, I chose to lock myself behind the door and only hanging out with people I familiar with, expressing my feeling and thoughts through writing.

Maybe I was just being traumatized to interact with many people.

But not this one guy who was calling me again today.

I cleared my throat once before I pushed the green button, taking the phone closer to my ear.

"Kevin's helpdesk, may I help you?" I teased in which he gasped.

"For a moment, you scared me," his voice sounded breathless and I assumed he didn't take long to feel relieved knowing that it was me he talked to. "I thought I dialed a wrong number."

I laughed heartily - something I hadn't done with a male species after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend.

It was normal if you had lost trusts on men after a breakup - right?

But, I seemed couldn't shut Jacob and Kevin down because I knew them way too long. During that period alone, I had studied them thoroughly to know that they possibly won't ruin me.

I hope so.

"What's up?" I questioned after some times swerving out of the main topic.

"I...have something to ask," he answered way too straightforward.

"Okay.."

"I'm looking for a job," Kevin breathed out, as if he had been holding in for quite long. "You know, all of our friends are mostly working now, I feel a bit left out and maybe a bit jealous."

My lips seemed had been sealed. Too many things lingered in my head as if they were taking turns to be questioned. But I didn't know from where to start.

Maybe I was amazed?

"Kevin, you sure about it?" I asked in which he immediately replied with a confirmation. "I mean, you just came home. Don't you want to rest a bit?"

"But you guys never rested too," he pointed out. At this rate, I could tell that he was tugging on his hair. No ill motive, maybe he was just bored.

But he got a point there and I just realized everything now.

He was correct.

Me and my girls never waited too long until we decided to start working. We even started before we could call ourselves alumni. So did Jacob.

Though we started in different paths, we eventually managed to settle down nicely.

Out of many people, I was very sure that Kevin was thinking the same. Because the Kevin Moon I knew would never let himself be a burden to anyone, not even his family.

"If I ever stumble to an ads, I'll make sure to forward to you. Is it okay?" my hands had started searching on my laptop without me realizing.

"Yes, it is okay," he beamed. Though we were separated between devices, I could clearly tell that Kevin was smiling ever so broadly right now.

Funny how we were only talking through phone though he had come back when we could've met and talked for hours.

But, I seemed to forget about one thing.

Kevin was unresponsive in real life.