Homeless Vain

40

If I have to define a mystery, it will be Kevin Moon.

I was dying to know what was living in his head, I wanted to know why he asked me those questions and then disappeared again without a trace.

Wasn't my answer satisfying? Was he only wanting to seek an opinion or was he looking for a specific answer that sadly I couldn't provide?

When he asked me those questions, I didn't lie that I did have hope up. Maybe to be something with him. I was hopeful thinking that the way he sees me now is different from how he saw me back then.

Maybe the 'not now' he mentioned the other day had changed to 'it's now.'

But then, he disappeared again. No texts and no calls, as we had never discussed such a thing.

"How could he leave you hanging like that?" Daisy complained, eyeing me soullessly curling under the duvet on my bed.

"Ivy had asked him again," Evelyn said, shoving my phone towards the latter, conversation between me and Kevin on the screen. "But, Kevin didn't reply."

Right.

After we went home from the carnival, I texted him once again to say thank you. Seemed cliche but I really meant it. For he had made my day brighter than usual.

And he responded with funny memes he found on the internet.

However, he completely ignored me when I sent him a simple text read 'I seem can't sleep tonight. Why were you asking me those queries earlier? It didn't sound like you.'

It was the truth. Again, I couldn't sleep that night, every so often lighting up my phone hoping that a reply had come.

"He left you on read?" Faye was then chiming, gasping the loudest.

I pulled the duvet over my head to be swallowed into the darkness. I have a slight claustrophobia, but it seemed like I would prefer to be in the dark where nobody could see my hopeless state.

But, someone had pulled it away, exposing me to the light that surely was blinding.

With messy hair, I got up, sighing that sounded too deep that sooner a slap made contact with my arm. Strangely, I didn't feel the pain, probably because I didn't have the time to.

"I understand what you're feeling," Evelyn said. She was sitting on the floor next to my bed, head laid on my mattress. "After this and that you two went through together, you just want to know 'What are we?' "

"And I can't deny that Kevin seems to have been giving you false hope," Daisy added, emphasizing the last word just the same as how she did on that particular day, at the same place we're today.

"Most simply, I can describe it as that too," much to her dismay, Evelyn had to agree with Daisy. "I'm sorry to say this Ivy.."

A short silence fell and eventually enveloped us.

But, it didn't last long until Faye spoke up, "Is he really a log? Why can't he say anything? At least to defend himself?"

"Maybe I'm the one who's desperate," I sighed, falling forward to be sunken in the softness of the mattress. "I overreacted. Thinking that all his sweet actions would lead me somewhere."

"Any girls in your shoes will feel the same," Daisy patted my back. "A girl naturally wants to be comforted, to be protected, to be loved. And he makes you feel all that. So, it's not your fault."

"I can wait for him for eternity, but I don't have much time."

All three heads jerked up in confusion, flinching here and there by my remark.

"What do you mean?" Faye asked.

I sighed, pushing my body up, slightly bouncing as I sat straight. All their attention was now on me like I was a superstar taking the center of the stage to greet my fans.

"My mother had known that I'd confess. Sooner, she will start asking for the outcome. I had foreseen my future," squeezing my eyes tight, I could feel my heart started quickening inside my chest. "If later you guys come here and see this house fall, you know that it's not because of the earthquake but her voice."

Small giggles erupted from every direction, all faces were twitching to be laughing out loud but each had low audacity. It's better not to swerve away from the concept.

"Honest thought...." Evelyn brought the seriousness again with her tense face, eyes wavering as she looked at every face where it ended on mine. "I don't think your mother should push you that hard. Don't be offended but you know we're still young and maybe Kevin thinks like that too. Maybe that's why he takes his time."

"If he takes his time," Daisy chuckled, crossing her arms which earned various types of glares. "What?"

I let out another sigh before jumping down my bed. There's this habit of mine whenever I was sad - back to nature.

I would stay by my window, watching the trees shaking down their dried leaves, fluffy clouds moving subtly along the definite width of the sky or my neighbour's cats playing with each other.

It was soothing. For nature would never disappoint you.

"I don't know. I shouldn't be mad at him," I said, another sigh came out. "Maybe I'm not mad, I am...... hoping for something unclear?"

"Ivy," Daisy called from my bed, shooting me an unfazed look as I looked at her. "I can see you're hesitating. You know you can say it out loud here."

"Yeah! Curse him out if you want," Faye added, oh how her eyes were sparkling like soft sands at the beach.

However, somewhere between there, I burst out. I wasn't meant to curse, nothing like that. I just let my honest feelings take over the space.

"No, I don't understand what he wants. One time he acted too sweet around me, giving me all the comforts, and providing me everything I needed to feel at home. He acts like some fictional character everyone is dying to have but.." I paused, sucking in a big breath. "But then he broke me..."

Was it the correct word to be said? Was it relevant to say that?

"He... he can just say it out loud if doesn't want me. Why must he give me mixed signals?" my eyes suddenly went blurry and my chest felt stuffy.

It was weird but not long after, Evelyn came to me, snaking her arms around my figure.

"Trust me, we understand. We saw how he treated you. And I must say if you never told us about what happened between you two that we didn't see, we never know," she pulled away, holding my shoulders. "Even with Jacob, he never told anything."

I breathed out, looking over Daisy who was twirling on Faye's wavy hair.

"Dee..." I whined. "What does that mean?"

I pouted, hoping that someone would be feeding my delusions again and make me forget about every pain and disappointment I felt.

Please...

Nonetheless, all my hopes were in vain.

"Distance yourself from him Ivy. Forget every feeling you have about him," I could see the seriousness flaring from inside Daisy's eyes.

This time she meant it.

But, can I?

It was easier said than done. I'd tried numerous times to have a neutral feeling with Kevin. Every time he ignored me, I'd be hypnotizing myself that it was okay, I shouldn't be biased against any of my friends. How I treat Chanhee and Jacob, I shall do the same towards Kevin.

However, when he came back to me ever so sweet, like he'd never ignored me, I found myself back to the square.

I am uncontrollable when it comes to him.