Homeless Vain

43

I blamed myself for everything that happened.

Maybe I shouldn't have confessed. Maybe I should've kept my feelings to myself, admiring him silently and enjoying his presence every time he was around without any worries.

Maybe if I'd done that, he would never be uncomfortable or burdened by my confession. We probably managed to keep a good relationship up until today.

Because of my greed and delusions, I'd lost everything at once.

Sangyeon had posted the news about my hiatus which had received a lot of reactions from the readers. Some were voicing out their dissatisfaction saying that they had been waiting for my new book to come out. Some were giving good reactions and had asked me to take as much time as I needed.

The news had spread within my circle as well.

On one fine day, Chanhee sparked a conversation in our group chat about a nice place he visited. He said that we should go as a group one day.

Jacob replied with a simple thumbs-up emoji, Daisy sent a paragraph of reply asking where is the place and how long will be the journey and Kevin joked about Chanhee needs to treat everyone.

Yes, Kevin replied. He finally reappeared like he was just being reborn again.

But between us, it was still the same.

I wonder if he already found someone else to talk to if something had weighed him down. Maybe he didn't need me anymore probably because there was someone else that was far more competent than I am.

Far down from that conversation, Evelyn had sent a screenshot of the news Sangyeon posted, with a caption of 'What's this Ivy? Why suddenly a hiatus? Are you okay?'

I was contemplating whether to reply or not. Who knows if my presence would make Kevin leave again?

Nonetheless, I still did thanks to the voice in my head that was telling that I shouldn't be worried about that because he also never did the same.

So I went on with 'I need some rest to have good quality writing.'

It was a simple lie I told that I hoped they would buy but I guess by now, someone probably had encoded the secret message laid behind it.

And if my prediction was correct, it would be Evelyn.

She's clever enough to find out. Some more, I'd been skipping a full week from visiting her cafe, at least she could've started speculating something from the information.

The break Sangyeon had suggested had been used well. Through it, I managed to be seen as a full-time human being.

However, if you think I'm doing well, you're wrong.

Because I looked fine and humane just in my mother's eyes. Strange how she didn't look concern nor bother to ask how was I doing after the news broke. The only thing she ever said was "Many things you can do to help me then."

Yes, it was a lot.

I am not a writer when I'm with her. I carried my duties as a daughter, going to every horrifying grocery shopping and being anxious to every gathering she dragged me to and looking like nothing was bothering me. At all.

Unbeknownst to her, my real self was shown when I was alone, behind the wooden door of my room, crying my eyes out.

I cried when I read all the exchanged texts with Kevin. I cried when I looked at those photos we'd taken every time we met. I cried when his voice rang in my head telling all his stories and jokes. I cried because he had broken the promise not to unfriend me and I still didn't know what had I done wrong that he decided to distancing himself.