Homeless Vain

44

She ignored me.

She left this argument we were in hanging as if she purposely wanted me to feel bad by the ruckus I sparked myself.

It wasn't new for me. This had happened a lot before and it had always been me who backed away, letting her win the game.

But not today, I'd had enough of all this nonsense.

"I'm asking you, Mother. Will I never be enough for you?" I sternly repeated the question, stomping my feet onto the marble floor as I stepped forward.

She pretended like she didn't hear anything.

Voices are unheard.

"Mother!"

"Lower your voice, Ivy!" she looked at me straight in the eyes. I should've been scared whenever she glared but right now, the corner of my lips slightly lifted, the victory of this game slowly but surely would be mine. "Don't break my heart. You're accusing me like this already feels horrible."

It would always be my fault.

"Have you ever thought about what I feel?" I wished I had the regret inside me. I shouldn't have said that, but so far... none. "Why Mother? Is there any rule that says that parents never do anything wrong to their children? Are we heartless?"

"You're breaking my heart right now Ivy," she said, taking a seat on the stool, lowering her gaze to the floor like she was really hurting.

Like how I'd expected.

Lesson learned; never hurt someone who tends to keep their anger alone for too long. Otherwise, you will be the one who gets hurt.

Proven.

"I'd done so many things for you Mother. I push myself over my limit just to fulfill the expectation you put on me. Do you know exactly what I go through every day?" I paused, taking a palm in the air as she looked at me. "Don't answer, because you clearly don't know."

"Ivy, stop."

"Whole my life Mother, I've been dealing with your attitude. Did I ever complain to you? I keep it to myself and pray to the sky every night to give me the patience and strength to be a good daughter you can be proud of." At this rate, my eyes had been blurred by the sudden tears formed. "Do you think it's easy for me? I have so many things I want to do for myself but I can't. Because of you."

She breathed out like she did not want to deal with my rambles. But honestly, I wasn't rambling. It was all my honest thought.

Through this hiatus, I seemed to realize one thing. Everything happening right now had its pros and cons.

Maybe I was madly sad that Kevin ignored me without valid reasons, but it seemed like the universe had planned it all for me. I finally realized that I had so many responsibilities on my shoulders to carry out as a daughter in this very small family.

Maybe the universe had known that I probably wouldn't be focusing on my responsibility if I ever committed to a relationship.

I slowly accepted it and once again gaslighted myself that maybe when everything had calmed a bit, only then I could get my answer from Kevin.

I couldn't tell if I was overreacting or if anyone who was in my shoes also felt the same but, being pressured about love when we were struggling to go through this life for me was tormenting.

"What's with the desperation Mother? You want to rid me of your life so badly, don't you?" a loner tear fell through my cheek.

"What?" Now only I saw the terror on her face. "I have never thought that way, Ivy!"