It amazed me how I had stayed awake all night, alone by the beach. The night passed by ever so quickly as I scrolled on my phone, re-reading the exchanged texts in the group chats.
This time it was about a movie.
It was 1 in the morning when Chanhee sent the poster, asking if all of us had spare time to go together. It did receive such massive replies from everyone except me.
I decided not to join the discussion. Not because of the sadness that was consuming nor because I wanted to be in hiding. But, it fazed me how Kevin stayed awake as well to talk.
All the replies embodied all about himself that I could remember.
Jokester; when he responded to every Chanhee's message with the funny memes he had in his collection. That one reply, 'This penguin looks like you', instead of responding yes or no to the invitation the latter sent out.
Talkative about the topic which had intrigued him; my phone was getting attacked with notifications as he told the story of how he found out about the movie Chanhee intended to watch.
But still, there was one thing that hadn't been changed.
It was when Evelyn joined with a sarcastic joke, 'Long time no see Kev. Where were you?'
Most probably, he knew that Evelyn wasn't joking and he must've been aware that I was still there living silently in the group chat.
So, he ignored it, pretending like he'd never seen it.
I wish I knew what was happening.
At 7 in the morning, I'd been reading it all again and again until I could've planted every font, alphabet and line in my head. I could even remember at what time did Kevin reply to them.
I missed seeing his name pop up on top of my phone, alerting me to check my inbox for his text. Like the old good days.
However, instead of his, I received some from others.
One from Daisy which read, 'He can respond to the group chat but not to you?'
Another one from Evelyn, 'Did you sleep early last night? Why didn't you join the chat? Maybe Kevin would reply.'
These two are undeniably different and sometimes it made me wonder how all of us could've clicked so well despite the differences.
Maybe, when you are close to someone, you will keep your eyes blind and try your best to match the energy with them.
And I was talking from my own experience.
I didn't intend to reply to anyone, so I just left all the incoming messages unread while staring far across the wide ocean that was shimmering on its surface as the sun slowly rose to its peak.
Even the sun managed to rise, appearing so bright after a lonely night. Why couldn't I?
At that very moment, all my movement was spontaneous.
Suddenly I unlocked my phone, clicked on the camera and raised the phone horizontally towards the now orange sky.
It was blinding bright yellow that I had to squint my eyes, nonetheless it wasn't a matter. I won't be bothered.
Capturing it as the same duplicate of a sunrise portrait I'd seen somewhere online, suddenly my heart wrenched a bit.
'The sunrise is beautiful, isn't it?'
I heard it was one of the secret codes one would've said to someone they're in love with. Someone who they don't want to lose. Someone who they can't live without.
I'd been waiting for so long to say this as well. Hopefully to him. But it seemed like the time won't be coming.
Not now. Not ever.
Maybe this is the time that I should let go of this feeling. He looked himself when I wasn't around. Maybe I was the reason for his sudden changes.
So I typed the message, underneath the photo I intended to send in the group chat.
The sunrise is beautiful, isn't it? - I hoped Kevin would read and catch the hidden meaning behind it. I hoped he had the desire to decipher it.
He surprised me to become the first person who checked on the message.
Just now, the analysis stated in the 'Message Info'.
What was strange? Nothing.
He read and never replied, and tears unknowingly escaped my eyes, rolling down my cheeks and dripping down from my chin and disappearing from view as they had been absorbed, leaving only the damp marks on the sand.
It would never be easy for me, for anyone. Nonetheless, this was what I should've done earlier - forgetting the feeling I felt towards him.
For he is a forbidden love.
For all this time, I'd been telling myself a lie. I kept saying that I had a chance to be his star when the reality was none.
I would never be the moon's star - his star, because I am the sun. We would never be in the same broad daylight and dark nighttime together. Never.
And for the second time in my life, I'd be going through this again like a Deja Vu. Same person, same feeling, same sadness and same heartbreak.
I would have to move on.
And the message I sent was the last one. I promise.
"Ivy...."
I recognized that voice although I wasn't looking. Even the footsteps that were coming closer to me were familiar, let alone the embrace the person had engulfed me in, resting her head on my shoulder.
That alone was enough to make me cry out loud. Everything I'd been keeping inside me had been taken out.
I needn't ask how she found me here. I was sure she got the hint from the photo I sent. We had been here a lot before, claiming that this place was magical and it was supposed to be declared as the official healing place for us.
"You're fine. I know you'll be fine," Evelyn was now a crying mess too, though she was trying hard not to break down.
"I'm tired," my voice sounded hoarse. "I'm tired of living like this."
"You're strong Ivy. Keep telling yourself that."
One thing about Evelyn, we kind of share the same brain cells. Though right now nothing was spoken about what had happened and how I ended up being here, she seemed to have been reading my mind.
"You will be a good daughter and don't worry about love. Don't think about Kevin anymore," she said in which for a brief moment, I was left stunned by all the details.
She had read my mind.
"I'm gonna walk away from him again," I hit my chest a few times with teary eyes to ease the suffocation inside. "It hurts so much. It's not even the first time I'm doing this but why it still hurts?"
Evelyn held my hands as we faced each other while shaking her head vigorously.
"Anyone who has invested so much in a relationship will feel the same thing," she tried to assure me. "You deserve more Ivy. If Kevin can't give what you need, someone else will."
Again, the 'someone else'.
Much to my hatred towards the thought of someone else, I knew I had no choice.
The one I want apparently won't be reciprocating my feelings and I obviously couldn't force him to. So what else was left other than accepting the fact that I once again had lost against the universe?
YOU ARE READING
Homeless Vain
Fanfiction[Book 1] "You're the moon, and I'm the sun. Only the stars can get closer to you in the darkest night." Cliche topic when they said a girl and a boy cannot be friends, one of them will catch feeling. But if that's even true, would a love for an ex-c...