At times I feel scared to peek in my ownself. Like being alone with all the thoughts that swirl around my mind like those dementors from Harry Potter swirl around him ready to pounce and suck the life out of him.
Solitude never bothers me , but it has to be engrossed in something else apart from my toxic feelings and haunting memories. It has to be filled with Allah and His Deen or someone else's story, which won't remind me of the storm that's brewing between my heart and mind.
These two are in constant battlefield. At war with each other. At one moment I feel like waiting for someone to return...to hold on to the last thread of hope. And in next moment the mind reminds me that letting go will be more beneficial. It reminds me that there are no threads to hold on ! There is no one to return ! When the heart gets tired of loneliness, it seeks companionship but again the mind protests reminding that this very desire once brought you to your knees. It rewinds the time when I've conquered my battles without anyone backing me up. There was no one. And there will be no one !! It was just you for yourself. And nobody else cared except Allah. The heart whines for being cherished and cared. But mind wants it to be protected from further damage. Heart says to forget the pain and reconcile. But the mind fears the possible rejection.
Such times I feel annoyed by their constant arguments, wondering if I could "shut down" my system temporarily to get rid of it. Then again I ponder, will anyone care to switch it on again if I shut myself down ?
{ Page 122 from the Diary : 29th November 2019}
