For the last three years, I had been chasing the answers to everything that happened with me. Like, I was wondering where did I go wrong ? Why it had to happen ? Why was I put in certain situations that left me totally broken and shattered ? Why the things I craved for never showed up in my life till now ? Why certain people came, and why some left ?
Life was perfect before these three years for a while. Then, suddenly, it felt like the glass walls cracked and everything just started to run out of my hands. Everything just began to ruin right in front of me and my mind went into a frenzy, I couldn't just accept the circumstances because it was way too unexpected.
When I came out of shock and denial, I could finally accept that it was happening and I had no option to live this time.,with utmost patience and courage. But instead of dealing with the served platter, I began to question, why ?
Not like questioning Allah's decree, but it was something for reasoning the hurtful behaviours, to reason that I'm wrong and people shouldn't be blamed. You know, one thing we need to move on with the traumas of loss is to find closure. Closures make the way bearable atleast. Everytime you have this one reason to remind yourself, to move forward from the people who left you, from pain of situations that broke you. You need your closure. And just to find this closure, I started to pray to Allah, immensely, wholeheartedly, so intensely. That He shows me *Why* they did what they did. *Why* I was wrong. *Why* I couldn't know better. *Why* everything messed up so subtly.
It went for maybe two and a half years. Few months back, on one such night, I was thinking (overthinking rather) about all the possible answers to that "question" and torturing myself from it , I groaned umpteenth time. And opened a book I was reading that time ,a novel of Nemrah Ahmed. Mushaf. And it felt like life paused for a while. All my world came wrapping up in that one ayah....
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا تَسْـَٔلُوا۟ عَنْ أَشْيَآءَ إِن تُبْدَ لَكُمْ تَسُؤْكُمْ وَإِن تَسْـَٔلُوا۟ عَنْهَا حِينَ يُنَزَّلُ ٱلْقُرْءَانُ تُبْدَ لَكُمْ عَفَا ٱللَّهُ عَنْهَاۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَفُورٌ حَلِيمٌ
O you who have believed, do not ask about things which, if they are shown to you, will distress you. But if you ask about them while the Qur'an is being revealed, they will be shown to you. Allah has pardoned that which is past; and Allah is Forgiving and Forbearing.
- Al-Ma'idah 5:101
And all my restlessness rested into dust. A sudden surge of contentment washed over me and I understood in that moment that I was wrong to chase something that would hurt me. It was like trying to catch a spark plug when I had already burnt my hand with the same fire. My approach to this chaos was wrong. Nonetheless, I knew it would hurt me. And, still, the useless curiosity took the best out of me.
But reading this ayah, felt like, I've got my answers. It was like, Allah assuring me, that I should forsake this vexing adventure of my overpressured mind and just let it be.
The point is, I still haven't got that answer. It comes once in a while still now. But Alhamdulillahi kaseera, I have this firm assurance that one day, things will fall into place, and everything will be revealed the way Allah wants and at the time Allah wants. And after every such encounter, this beautiful comforting ayah finds its way to meet me.💝
What I learnt is we just have to be patient enough and wait for the curtains to lift open. Seek His forgiveness. We don't need to stress ourselves over something that already has lend a damage good enough to take heed.
And everytime now, I see it coming, I take a deep breath. And tell it, that I don't have to answer you. HasbiyAllah wa QaddarAllahu wa ma Sha fa'al ❣
