I have a lot to say...but I can't. It's like, my heart has fallen silent. And my limbs, numb. Crazy how things you saw coming have the power to break you even when in the back of your mind, you knew it was inevitable. Is it disappointment? Yes...dismay...perhaps...Allahu Aalam.But unlike the heart, the mind is in chaos. A part of it mockingly reminds what was it's first instinct. The very first time it warned you. Then it gives you the realization how you are the sole reason for the suffering. How there's no one else to blame but you because you chose to see what wasn't even there. You were illusionist for your own eyes. How you crossed your own boundaries for someone. How you broke the promise to yourself. How you were willing to fight for something that didn't worth your time n energy. So much, and then it reminds you that you were pushed away, you didn't had to follow conditions, you didn't had to be someone you are not so you could fit in for someone else.Memories...words...flashbacks...the breaking of your trust...so much noise. And then one word dominates all this noise..."Why?" After all the knowledge, all the experience...Why again? Wasn't life better without this hurt...without this pain?You keep wondering. Until Allah makes you realise out of the blue why it was necessary. Pain, hurt, disappointments have this amazing ability to help you refocus. To remind you the purpose you were drifting away from ever so swiftly. To let you know, why you were better off without certain people. To let you know, why it didn't seem like truth since day one. Why it was all chaos and confusion. Allah brings you closer to Himself through this...He purifies you from desires and wishing for worldly things...temporary pleasures...purifies you through repentance because somewhere, you not committing mistakes had made you feel like you were perfect now.But no one is perfect. You had to learn this. But hard way. Avoiding emotions, avoiding hurt isn't part of being human. It wasn't your mistake to feel certain things. It was your mistake you acted upon it. Allah makes you ponder upon your own words, your own actions...and that I think. Is closure. You being closer to Him than before. You being needless of people ever than before. And this is the moment you imagine the depth of love and mercy of Allah subhanahuwataala. You were searching it in wrong places. How could you expect a human to understand you when no human has been able to understand himself even? And this is how He brings you out of it. This is how He responds to your tears, helpless cries, your broken words and wordless plea. It isn't always happiness. It can be contentment washing over you despite the excruciating ache in your heart. It can be the lesson you learnt while you tend to your wound with His love.This is how you fall silent again. Nothing needs to be said. No explanation. No questions, no answers. But in this silence, you just have to hold on to Sabr, Tawakkul and Tawba. And need to remind yourself that, No. You don't need anyone neither anyone needs you. You're enough on your own, with Allah on your side. In every step you take. In every mistake you make. Hold onto Him and don't lose yourself to anyone apart from Him.
©️ Zeenat Nazeer 🕊️
10th June 2023
