Color Me Rainbow || MEANIE ✔

-58 || joshua-

Joshua didn't know the song, but it somehow resonated with him. Jeonghan's voice was soft and delicate. This person on the stage in front of Joshua was not the same person two years ago. This was someone who had his heart broken and matured from it. This was someone who still loved him.

Jeonghan never stopped loving him.

Joshua knew that now. He also knew that he's been in love with Jeonghan all this time too. No matter how many times he tried to talk himself out of it, nothing would stop it.

And what was stopping him from pursuing Jeonghan now? Jeonghan had a soulmate, but they weren't together. Joshua had one before, but she was gone now. She'd been gone for a long time.

They were two lonely people in love with each other. There was nothing holding them down now.

Joshua tapped impatiently on the table while Jeonghan finished his set. His mind stuck on that first song.

Different languages and different times
You don't have to understand

He hummed the parts he didn't know, softly sang the ones he did, even after Jeonghan moved on to a different song.

All the words that exists in the world
It's enough for just the two of us to know

In a way, he felt like the song was meant for him.

I don't understand but I love, but I love you

I love you.

That's what he should have said when he saw Jeonghan the other night. That's what he should have said two years ago instead of running away.

"Hey, I'm gonna go use the restroom," he said to nobody in particular.

He stood up and made his way to the back of the bar, going through the back exit outside of his friends' view. The cool breeze ruffled his hair as he sucked in a very deep breath, held it, then let it go.

He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. He cleared his mind, and let all thoughts of Jeonghan vanish into thin air.

Why did he come back here? Why didn't he just stay in America?

Junhui and Minghao would have forgiven him if he didn't come to their wedding. Joshua should have forgotten this. He should have-

"Jisoo," a soft voice said from his right.

Joshua closed his eyes tighter, like he could hide behind the blackness filling his vision. "It's Joshua," he said softly. His eyes were closed, but he could imagine Jeonghan tilting his head to the side in confusion in that annoyingly adorable manner from all those years ago. 

"Joshua," Jeonghan said slowly, testing the new name on his tongue. "Huh. I was wondering what your American name was."

Joshua pursed his lips then finally opened his eyes. He turned his head slightly, just enough to get a view of the brunette to his right. "Why me?" he asked. "Of all people, why did you have to pick me?"

Jeonghan looked up at the stars then. A long minute of silence passed between them before the brunette finally looked back down at Joshua. He reached a hand out slowly towards the other male. Joshua didn't flinch away as Jeonghan gently placed three fingers on his cheek and turned his head. Joshua now had full view of the male.  

"I don't know," Jeonghan said, honestly as his hand dropped away from Joshua's face. "It was convenient for me at the time."

Joshua held back a snort. 

"But, as I really began talking to you and speaking to you, I wanted more than just a kiss," the elder continued. "I wanted all of it. I wanted you. Even after these past couple of years, I still do. I want it all, even the broken bits."

"Jeonghan," was all Joshua could think to say. Really, what was he supposed to say? His mind had blanked again. 

"I know, I know. You don't want to be in a relationship. Just . . ." The pause was long as Jeonghan took a deep breath. "Just, I need to hear it one more time. One more time, and I'll move on. "

"One more time," Joshua echoed, almost silently. He just had to tell Jeonghan he didn't want a relationship one more time. Problem solved. Maybe then, he could move on. Who cares if he really was in love with the elder. It was just another path to more heartbreak. That's it. 

Jeonghan met his eyes, his face set in a look of grim expectancy. "So?"

The words were at the tip of his tongue. They were right there. He just needed to open his mouth and set them free. But he couldn't. Instead, he said, "I really liked your song."

The other's features filled with surprise but he quickly composed himself. "Thanks," he said. "I wrote it. Figured I should finally share something with the world if I want to give myself to the world."

"Do you like being a trainee?" Joshua asked. 

Jeonghan groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "Don't do that. Don't keep changing the subject. Your sending the wrong signals, and it hurts me more if you keep avoiding it."

Joshua wanted to grab his hair out of frustration. Nothing was ever easy, was it? "Fine, you want the truth?" he said, his voice falling to a whisper. "My heart wants you. I want you. I want to love you. I want you to love me. Yet, my head says differently. My head hates the concept of love. My head can't trust another person not to break my heart again. My soulmate died, Jeonghan. What would I do if something happened to you? What would I do if I got attached to you, like I did to her, and something broke us apart? I don't think I can do it again."

His legs grew weak, and he fell to his knees. He was shaking all over the thought. Why did he think he could come back here, no problem? 

Jeonghan fell to his own knees and scooted toward the other male. Without asking or before Joshua could protest, his arms were around the other. He was holding on in a way that made Joshua think Jeonghan would never let him go. 

"I've made you the center of my universe, Joshua," Jeonghan said in Joshua's hair. "You are my world, and I'll never leave as long as your gravity keeps me in place. I'm afraid too. I'm afraid you will say you don't want a relationship. Then what'll happen? I'll be trapped in a neverending void with nothing to hold me down. I love you, Joshua. I always will, but I want to do what's best for you."

A tear slipped down Joshua's cheek and he buried his head in Jeonghan's shoulder. The outcome of this situation was completely up to him. They weren't soulmates, but it felt like they should of been. It was a bug in the system. Apparently, the universe needs to work on that. 

"Okay," he said, his voice muffled by Jeonghan's shirt. "I want a relationship with you."

The brunette pulled away to look at Joshua, who was now flustered and teary-eyed. There was a childish excitement hidden behind the scrutiny in Jeonghan's own eyes. "Really?" he asked, trying to keep his voice level. 

Joshua nodded his head slowly. He scooted forward a little and place a soft kiss on Jeonghan's lips. "Really."

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a/n: I know Jeonghan doesn't even sing IDUBILU, but you know for the purpose of this book, i do not care lmao

did you catch the little connection I made that I am so extremely proud of lmao? I love being a writer