offshore | h.s

35

GENEVIEVE CLARK

Walking through the bustling streets of Sydney, I have my AirPods in, the melodic strains of Gracie Abrams' voice filling my ears. 

It's a small escape from the chaos that consumed my thoughts today. The weight of everything that's transpired is heavy on my shoulders, threatening to drag me down into a pit of emotions I'm not ready to confront.

I let the music envelop me, allowing it to be a shield against the thoughts and worries that are vying for my attention. 

Sometimes, it's easier to let everything sit, to let the turmoil linger beneath the surface before I'm ready to face it head-on. 

I know, though, that eventually, I'll have to acknowledge what happened with Archie, what he said, the pain he caused. But for now, I let the rhythm of the music guide my steps as I walk toward the grocery store.

Harry thinks I will just get tampons, a small lie to spare him the additional worry. 

The truth is, my period is five days late, and the anxiety it's causing is almost unbearable. 

The possibility of being pregnant terrifies me. Not because I don't want a child, but because of the unknown. 

How would Harry react? How would the media react? My heart races just thinking about it. 

I hope beyond hope that my period is merely late due to the stress, of the upheaval that's unfolded in the past day. I cling to the possibility that everything will settle back into its normal rhythm soon.

As I approach the grocery store, I take a deep breath, preparing myself to face reality again. The music fades as I take out my AirPods, slipping them into my pocket. I step inside, my heart heavy with the weight of what's to come. But for now, I'll focus on the task at hand, even as the nagging worries linger in the background.

Stepping into the grocery store, I grab a basket, the cool metal handle a reassuring presence in my hand. 

My first stop is the produce section. As I scan the colourful array of fruits, I feel a sense of familiarity and comfort wash over me. One thing I've missed about Australia is the quality of the fruit. It's like nowhere else in the world, and the thought of having some back in the hotel room is a small source of solace.

I pick out some strawberries and blueberries, carefully place them in my basket, and eventually make my way to where the pregnancy tests are stocked.

Glancing around to ensure no one else is in the aisle, I feel a mix of nostalgia and apprehension.

The fluorescent lights overhead seem harsh, casting an almost clinical glow over the packages. My fingers reach out hesitantly, my heart pounding in my chest.

I haven't had to buy one of these since before Avery.

A rush of memories floods my mind, and I'm transported back to that moment – sitting on the floor of Archie's apartment, a small plastic stick in my hand. I remember the tears streaming down my face, the fear that gripped me. 

And Archie's reaction, the disappointment and anger that he couldn't even conceal. It was a moment that altered the course of my life, and the scars it left behind still linger.

Part of me yearns for the idea of having Harry's baby, of a future filled with love. But another part of me, a voice that's harder to silence, isn't sure if I'm ready for it. The thought of seeing two lines appear on that test terrifies me.

I take a deep breath, my fingers trembling slightly as I pick up the test and slip it into my basket. I decided to get a few different brands, not wanting to receive a false positive. I hide them beneath a packet of strawberries, not wanting anyone who knows me from Harry to see them.