offshore | h.s

60

HARRY STYLES

Standing in the wings of the Las Vegas arena, I can feel the excitement in the air, but my nerves are buzzing louder than the crowd. It's the first night of my Love on Tour, and I've been working non-stop to get ready. But even with all the rehearsals and preparation, I can't stop shaking.

For the past week, I've been throwing myself into getting everything just right for this moment. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to think about anything else, especially not Gen and Avery. It's just too painful to think about them right now.

Gemma and a few of my other friends are here tonight, but I still can't believe Gen and Avery aren't.

Dressed in a pink tassel sparkle vest and matching pants, I feel a bit silly, but at the same time I feel completely myself. As the intro music starts playing in my earpiece and the countdown begins, I take a deep breath and try to steady my nerves.

Ten... nine... eight... The noise of the crowd gets louder with each passing second. Seven... six... five... I can feel my heart racing in my chest. Four... three... two... I take one last deep breath. One...

With that, I step out onto the stage, the bright lights blinding me for a moment. The screams of the fans surround me, their faces filled with excitement and anticipation. It feels insane.

As I look out at the crowd, I see fans dressed in amazing outfits, waving signs, and hugging their friends. Some are even crying tears of joy. It's overwhelming but in the best possible way. 

This is what I was made to do.

As I kick off the show with "Golden," the entire arena erupts into song, the voices of 17,000 fans blending together. It's overwhelming but in the best way possible. 

You're so golden, you're so golden!

As I walk to the front of the stage, I notice a girl in the crowd, tears streaming down her face. I give her a wave, and she screams, "I love you!" It's moments like these that make everything worth it, and I can't help but smile as I dance away.

As I reach "Falling" in the setlist, I feel a knot forming in my throat. Sitting down at the piano, I take a deep breath and begin to sing, but the words catch in my throat, choked with emotion. This song... I wrote it when I lost Gen for the first time, and now, here I am, losing her all over again. I never thought I'd be able to relate to this song again, but here I am, feeling every word as if it was written just for me.

I'm in my bed, and you're not here, and there's no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands.

I look up for a moment, taking in the sea of faces, thousands of fans watching my every move. I try to hold back the tears, to keep up the facade, but I can't. The tears come, streaming down my face, unstoppable and unbidden.

What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around?

I've lost Gen. I've lost Avery. I've lost the baby. I've lost everything. This life that I live, this career that I've built—it's cost me my family. And now, as I sit here, playing this song that feels like it was written for this moment, I can't help but feel the weight of that loss crushing down on me.

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling.

I try to continue playing, to sing the words, but the tears make it impossible to see the keys or the lyrics. I try to control them, to stem the tide, but it's no use. They just keep coming, a constant reminder of everything I've lost.

And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again.

And as I sing the words, it hits me like a ton of bricks—pretty much every single song on this setlist is about Gen. She's been my muse, my inspiration, the woman I was committed to. And yet, here I am, realizing that I've just blatantly broken up with her because things were hard for me. I can't believe myself.