Chapter 42

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           C H R I S T O P H E R    P O V:

    I woke up next to Emma in our parents house where we been at for Christmas. We been over here since last night for Christmas Eve which of course mom and Edward were persistent about. And mom seems like she's definitely okay with us being over the house. And since Emma and I are past the issues and no more drama at this point which I'm glad. And mom and Edward are actually back to their normal selves. They are happy, obviously. And mom is back to the way she was when she married Edward. So I assume everything has worked out for the both of them. Their martial issues are finally over.

  I have been taking Edward's words in so well. At the grill and bar from weeks ago, he told me if I wanted to marry Emma that it had to be something that I was positive about and that I needed it to be a forever situation because it is something I can't just jump into. And I think I'm pretty certain about that. And I don't just want to marry her because it's something I want done and over with like some people. No, I want this. I don't care how young we are. I actually want to marry Emma. I want to marry her in front of people. I want to have a beautiful wedding cake. I want to see Emma walk down that aisle I want her to say "I do" before we're officially man and wife. And I want to see her with me every second and step of the way. I want to see her wear my Grandmother's ring. This beautiful sparkling diamond that is definitely Emma's type. And I want her to have this ring that I been carrying with me. Edward sees me getting nervous through every step. At dinner last night, I thought I might pass out from how anxious it makes me by wanting to propose.

   My plan is to propose to her tonight. I want to make it right. But before I actually propose to her, I have to tell my mom about the idea, because I never actually told mom about the thought except Edward. When I was at my lowest, I went to him explaining my issues after Moon tried to think I'd do anything to be with her. And now that Edward wants this happy Christmas family, I imagine it all turning out okay. I imagine it being great. I picture the whole day being different from the Christmas we had three years ago which our first Christmas together. The day April came over and I was that fuckboy nobody wanted to mess with. And there will be no drama here today because I absolutely cannot handle it. But I got to suck it up, and actually take it when it comes to the thought of telling my mom about wanting to propose to Emma. Will she say yes? Will this all be a mistake? Is it wrong? Is it bad? Because Edward told me I need to put as much thought into it as possible in case I get scared, change my mind and it would leave Emma heartbroken, which is true. So I have done the thinking. I slept on it, hard. And my mind is made up. It's that I will be able to have Emma as my always.

The room looks the same as it always has been since Emma and I lived here back when we were in high school. But it's not three years ago anymore. And her bedroom looks the same still. But Emma was lying next to me, asleep. And I remember that Christmas is right here in front of me for the day. And the first thing I do is get out of the bed. I grab my white t-shirt and gray sweats to put on. And once I'm clothed, I leave out of the room and I go into the bathroom and I close it behind me once I'm in, slowly.

  I think all of this through. I try thinking about Emma. I think about how she would see our future going. I want to imagine us when we're old. I want to actually grow old with her. And to some, they may find crazy, stupid and dumb. But I think about it with her everyday. I want her for the rest of her life, and to know that she is actually everything. And I know I deserve her better than anyone. I'm done playing Noah's role. I'm the good guy. Not the guy who hurts and breaks them until there's nothing left. I need something good and better for Emma. And I know I'm ready to marry her. I know she deserves this. I want to make her happy and to be proud that I am hers. And I will give her everything.

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