Always Mine {Book 3}| Completed

Chapter 24

(Please listen to song above ⬆️. It describes Edward perfectly 🎧)

Chapter Twenty-Four

EDWARD POV:

Sometimes it's like a watching an old movie that gets tiring after a while because it's on a constant loop. That's what depression is like for me. Tiring and going on nonstop. And it's funny how the people around you think they know you. It's funny how the people judge you for the littlest things. It's funny how you hear ringing in your ears, and yet you think it's your wake up call to see exactly what's going on in your own world. But you don't bother because you don't see the point.

   It reminds me of nothing but a bad dream. I see everything in black and white. And you picture yourself as the bad guy because that's how everyone sees you. Sometimes you feel like ending it. To make people happy around you to know that they'd be happier without you. And sometimes you get this panic attack that can't go away. And you can't exist around anyone. And the thing is... you never understand people the way you want to. It's impossible to see them for who they are because you never know what their hiding or thinking or what's in their head. You can only assume. And it only just gets worse because you panic and wonder.

    I suffered a lot of panic attacks in my years. I been through six operations altogether. One of them being a heart transplant when I was sixteen. And I suffered panic attacks all through my teenage years. I learned to cope with these attacks. And when the episode ends, I forgot it ever happened. That's the thing about suffering with depression and anxiety. You can't outrun it. It follows you like a bad disease. And all you wanna do is survive. It doesn't let you go. It breaks you down in half. And your trapped. And your worst fear comes to live in your very existence. But after the episode ends again, you realize it's all still there, scaring you deeply that you will never forgive yourself or others.

    When you have done so much bad shit to the people you love, the people you know better probably than you know yourself, then your world is ending. But is it fixable? Possibly. But can anyone forgive you for all the things you've done? It doesn't matter if you walked your neighbor's dog for some extra money. It doesn't matter if you got a black eye on your first day of going to college. It doesn't matter if you ever experienced love or not. Some may see you just as the villain but they still don't know what your going through.

    Everything gets worse when you wonder if you are lovable, deserve love or understand love. When you don't love yourself, how can you love somebody else? What's worse is you have known somebody for so long it's like they never left your mind. It's like they have shown you the real you, holding up the mirror that you need to see. Because you been blinded. But then, you realize you been living a lie. And your sleeping in the same bed next to the same person who is nothing but a stranger to you now. And you realize that you never knew them. I mean, your with them but your not there. At least not the way they want you to be. And they know your pulling away. And how indecisive you are. And they know your not in this fully. And they know it's okay to be last.

   For me, I didn't know love. And I know we all dismiss love at some point. Because we fear how we can get it and give. And what's worse is, I fear of being the person I never wanted to be; my father.

   I never wanted to be the man who barely had a conversation less than three words. I never wanted to be the man who drank his issues away. And I never wanted to be the serial cheater that my father was. Constantly cheating on my mother with women he barely knew or liked. And I guess my way of turning into that monster, scared me since I was fourteen. And the day I told myself I wanted to do good in this world. I was tired of being imperfect. I was tired of getting black eyes or getting my head kicked into the cement of my parents driveway of my childhood home. And I guess I sometimes thought everything my father did to me, was because I deserved it. I could never be Freddie in his eyes. Freddie was innocent, young and pure. And I was everything he was not.